turning a page

Each year as Father's Day emerges, this grey cloud sort of follows me around. I become irritated quickly and just all around gloomy.

My relationship with my dad has always been a roller coaster. When I was in middle school/high school it was an okay relationship - we'd talk, I'd go see him on the occasional weekend, etc. Then, as I got older, things about my parent's divorce became clearer to me and I began to try to figure my dad out... which was a huge mistake. I wanted to understand why he did the things that he did, why he left Jeremy and I. Okay, so you're not happy with your marriage, but why punish your kids for that? I never could figure that out - until I realized that it wasn't me, it wasn't anything that I had done, and I couldn't change him or the way he behaves.

So, I got over it - it took me a couple of years, but I got over it. With a few counseling sessions, lots of tears, and the unconditional love that Kyle gave me when he came into my life, I started to understand things a little more.

Believe it or not, I started to understand my dad more. I realized there was a lot of immaturity within him that he will probably never be rid of. Don't get me wrong, my dad is smart. Probably one of the smartest men I know - but not when it comes to life lessons. And that's okay. I'm not angry at him for that. Like I said, I'm past it. I'm past the hurt. And, I love my dad... I always will.

But (of course there is a "but"), Father's Day isn't a good day for me. It isn't a day that I click my heels together from excitement. I don't go to church on Father's Day - I did this a few years ago, and I'll never do it again. I try to stay off of social media to avoid seeing people's pictures of them with their dad. I basically make a sorry attempt at pretending the day isn't honoring Fathers.

Yesterday, I called my dad. We casually talked - nothing monumental happened. I actually think he was shocked that I called. And that was my Father's Day... or so I thought.

Kyle's grandparents invited me to come down to their house and have a late lunch and go fishing in their catfish pond on their farm. Their house/farm is one of my favorite places to be. It's the epitome of tranquil. It's also where we shot our engagement pictures. :)

So, I went, hesitantly. Like I said, I didn't want to even acknowledge the day. But, how can I turn down Kyle's sweet grandparents? Exactly, I can't. I got down there, we ate sandwiches and chips, drank cold sweet tea, and Mawmaw's heavenly peach cobbler. Then, as the heat began to calm down, we went down to the pond and sat in some patio chairs while Kyle's sister, her husband, and their 2 kids caught a dozen+ catfish (I caught one as well). I sat beside Kyle's pawpaw as he cracked jokes left and right. We laughed so much. At one point I caught myself laughing my extremely loud laugh, that hasn't come out in a while. It was nice to let lose and actually enjoy Father's Day for once.

I realized after I left how much I really didn't want to go down there to begin with - but how glad I was that I did. It's so nice to see yourself make improvements over time.

Kyle's sweet Pawpaw and I sitting on the back of Kyle's old Toyota. We were coming back from the pond.

My 1lb. catfish! I was pretty excited. :)

time for a confession

Up until about a year ago, I could eat what I wanted, as much as I wanted. Oddly enough, when Kyle entered basic training I began to gain weight. I didn't gain much in the 3 months he was away, but since he has been home I feel like I have gained 20 pounds. When I stepped on the scale (a.k.a the devil) Friday morning, I got a wake up call.

It read: 161 lbs. 

One hundred and sixty one pounds?!

I wanted to cry and scream at the same time. I was/am so angry at myself for letting my body get the way it is. I immediately went to Pinterest and looked at my "Fitness" board to see what I could start doing that wasn't completely unrealistic.

Back in July/August of last year I started doing the Insanity program. It gave me energy, made me feel good, didn't necessarily made me lose weight, but I wasn't necessarily trying to lose weight. I just wanted to get toned and more fit. Then I had my appendectomy and wasn't really able to work out comfortably for about 2 weeks. After that, I never started it again.

Damn appendix. 

I think my biggest motivation is this: the other day I was reading an article in Cosmopolitan magazine. It was about women who struggle with the thought of infertility. It read that 87% of women ages 18-30 (I think) fear they will have fertility problems when they start trying to have children. It had a section at the end that talked about what women (and their partners) can do to help prevent infertility. The one that stood out: eat healthy. 

And, well, let me be honest: I really like french fries and chicken nuggets from Wendy's. It's my weakness.

So, when I read those two words I told myself, "Self, we gotta have a chat." Then I gave myself a pep talk and decided that it was time to start doing better. I'm 22 almost 23 and I put some of the nastiest, greasiest foods in my body. I realized I was doing so much harm to my body. Then I apologized to my body. 

I'm not 125 lbs. anymore like I was in high school. My thighs touch (which I don't really have a problem with), my butt wobbles, my arms even have a little jiggle to them. But my belly. UGH. When I get naked at night to take a bath and look at myself in the mirror, I can't even look at my belly. My stomach was as flat as a piece of paper in high school, even in my first couple of years of college. I won't lie, I was almost sickly looking in high school. I'm glad I have meat on my bones now... but I have too much meat.

I'm not comfortable with being 20 lbs. heavier than my husband. In my defense, Kyle is like 5'7'' and works out. So, that's one reason he's only 135-140 lbs. Not to mention he can go all day and only eat 1 meal. I swear he is from another universe.

So, operation lost 10-15 lbs. began this morning with a mile walk through the Little Tallapoosa Park about 1/2 mile away from my house. I drank a breakfast shake this morning and then ate a good lunch and dinner. I have my Camelback water bottle that holds about 20 oz. of water. I plan on trying to drink at least 4 full bottles a day. I plan on doing an ab workout and an arm workout every day, and walking/running every day as well. Those are my main target areas right now, and where I see the most weight/fat has gone in the past few months.

Fruits, veggies, and 100 calorie snacks are going to be a part of my every day diet. I'm sure there will be a time that I want to go through the red headed freckled face girl's drive thru (Wendy's), but I'm going to remind myself of my goals and try to keep my eye on the prize.