A hush-hush topic

The term "anxiety" makes people clinch up. It can be an uncomfortable topic for many. It is a mental illness/disorder. It is when your brain tells your body to freak out when there is no reason to. It is something people live with every day, and I feel like it needs to be brought to the surface a bit.

I cannot pin-point the moment I knew I was an anxious person. I think I always have been to some extent. The turning point came shortly after I began dating Kyle. It was a "something's gotta give" moment. I began taking medication and have been on it ever since.

The misconception behind anxiety (or even depression) is that we can control it, we just choose not to, or we take the easy way out with medication. I wish society understood how much of a blow that is to people with anxiety. I don't want to live this way - I don't want to take medication to ease my "condition". I have never met one person living with anxiety who enjoyed it. Anxiety and depression is not a choice.

Then there's, "But, if you have faith in the Lord and believe in the power of prayer then your anxiety will go away." Which is basically equivalent to saying, "Well, if only you had enough faith...." Having faith in God's ability to heal is obviously important - but to tell someone they shouldn't seek help, through either a counselor or medication, is the same as telling a person with a physical illness they shouldn't see a doctor. The only difference is you can see the symptoms of a person with a physical problem - mental illnesses are invisible.

I believe His word in Philippians 4 that says, ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I also believe His word in Psalms 139 that says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was born imperfect in a fallen world. I was born with flaws, with traits that make me who I am, be that good or bad.

The thing about Philippians 4 is that it doesn't tell those living with anxiety that we shouldn't have it - it just means to not let it consume us - don't wallow in it. Asking God to help us and accepting His peace and reassurance when it comes, is key. Any believer of Christ knows that when you pray it isn't always automatically answered. In fact, it rarely ever is. 

I have felt the guilt that comes with anxiety. Being married to a man who has the mindset of "if you can't change it, don't worry about it" is difficult. Let me note, Kyle, I am not mad at you for thinking this way. That is what makes him who he is. He is able to get past things quicker and easier than I am. He doesn't get nervous or anxious about anything. And, I love him for that. It helps balance me out. However, it can be extremely hard to explain why, when you're wrestling and he pins you down and you can't move, it leads to a mini panic attack. Or, when loud noises bother you. Don't even get me started on crowds. Try being married to a Marine - having no clue of what your future holds, their safety, the absence you go through. You spend so much time over thinking things and you become so, so overwhelmed. I say things I don't mean, and feel so remorseful later when I realize how bad it sounded. I feel ashamed for reacting a certain way to something someone says or does that is totally harmless. I want to blame it on my anxiety, but think that just sounds like a cop out for not taking responsibility for the way I reacted. So, I apologize, even though I really don't feel like I have anything to be sorry for. 

See?! Anxiety literally plays mind games. It is so hard, folks. So, so hard. 

Anxiety is so real. 

But, so is Jesus. And so is His promise that He will always be with us. That is what I cling to, today and every day. 

Praying for those who live with anxiety on a daily basis. Declaring that the peace of the Lord will reign over their anxiety and will cover them during the tough days the enemy throws at us. Praying that these people will seek help, whether it's through a counselor, medication, a supportive church family, or family and friends. Hiding behind anxiety is so unhealthy and gives the enemy even more opportunities to use it against us, but understanding your condition and trying to get on top of it, before it gets on top of you will help so much in the days to come.