I have been really torn with the relationship I have with my father for about the past month now. My grandfather (my dad's father) passed away back in April and since then, I have not heard from my dad one time. Not through email, phone, anything. My cousin was the one to break the news about my grandfather's death to me, and when I heard I immediately called my dad, and I received no answer, which I expected. Losing a loved one, especially a parent, is never easy. My mother lost her father back in 2005 and I saw how detrimental it was to her heart. My dad's relationship with his father was some-what like my mom's was with her father; however, my dad is his father's son through and through. He followed in his footsteps as a parent, which, to me is not the best of compliments. My dad's childhood was probably not the greatest, from what I have heard, but I feel like there comes a time when you break the mold and do things right. My father did not break that mold. He followed right behind his father. I do not mean to speak badly of the deceased, but anyone who knew the man (my grandfather) knew that he was not the easiest man to talk to, he was very selfish and judgmental, and on top of that, promiscuous.
My father was and is all of those things, except judgmental. I do not recall that being one of his characteristics. I never really felt like I could talk to him about personal issues I was having. Our relationship was more of a friend relationship, not a father-daughter. And my brother would say the same. It was not up until January that I saw him actually get serious with my brother and I. He emailed me and Jeremy (my brother) about him coming up around the new year to meet up and talk. At that time, my brother and I had not spoken to our dad on the phone in quite a while. I remember emailing him a couple of times, but it was extremely short and to the point. When he emailed us about coming up from Florida, I cried. I burst into tears because that was the first time he had actually made an attempt to reach out to us and TRY to do things right. Long story short, we met up on January 1st (ironic that it's the, "new year", and a chance at a, "fresh start". Or so we thought. Things with our dad went really well, he apologized for a lot of things he had done in the past, and told us that life is too short to be angry at each other. After that visit, Kyle and I went to visit him around the beginning of February for a few days. We went to see him again about a month later during my spring break, when we stayed about a week. Both visits went really well, and I was sad to come home. After that, I talked to him a few times on the phone, but once my grandfather died, he basically became a turtle who had crawled back into his shell and had no intentions of coming out any time soon.
I emailed him a few times, and called him, leaving messages. I never had a response to either. I finally texted my step mother and asked her to tell him to call me. She said she would. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't, but I never received. Then, the best celebration of all, Father's Day, rolled around. Joy. I spent the day with Kyle's family, since my mom and step dad were out of town, and when I came home I called my dad. The call went to a message saying, "The person you are trying to reach is not available at this time. Please try your call again later." That struck me very odd because my father's cell phone is also his work phone, and his voice mail was set up to where it said his name, and the company he worked for. I emailed him about two weeks later that basically just said please email me or call me. Well, lo and behold I receive an email about an hour later that said, "Your dad no longer has an email account with us. You can reach him at (number) and his email address is (email address)." This email came from a man who worked for the company my dad worked for. So, that told me two things. 1-My dad no longer works there, and 2-He didn't bother to tell me his number had changed. I was pretty pissed off at this point, as you can imagine. That day I went home and called my step mom to find out what the hell was going on. What do you know? Her phone has been disconnected. My emotions towards that really did not set in until about a week later for whatever reason. When they finally did set in, they were a whirlwind of anger, sadness, "what the hell"-ness. I mean, what do you do when your dad/mom does not even inform you that their number has changed?
So, I called my uncle (who lives in Florida) and asked him what was up. He told me that my father did in fact lose his job because the people he worked for were pretty much crooks who stole money from the company, so they went belly up. I did not go into why he had not told me about losing his job or his phone number changing. I really just called to get my hands dirty with some information. I have not taken any action on the matter since then, and I'm not sure I will any time soon.
I know all of that is so much detail and information that it is probably just as hard for you as it is for me to process. Believe me, my head has been spinning since Monday (when I talked to my uncle). I really just do not get it. I never will. I will never understand how a parent can be so absent through their children's lives, then, all of a sudden try to reconnect after about 10 months of hardly any contact with either, and then BAM, just disappear again. I have so much confusion in my heart and mind I don't know what to do. When he contacted my brother and I back in December, I was just starting to finally accept that he is who he is and I cannot change that. And then this? I honestly just wish he had never even emailed us. Just left things the horrible way they were so that I could have fully moved on from it. Now... it's just a huge set back and I'm right where I was a year ago. Ever since I was 15 I have been keeping the hope alive for my father to really change his ways and realize that he is, indeed, a father. I feel like I am beating a dead horse, in a way.
I believe there is a lesson that comes out of every heartache. This one has been extremely difficult to try to understand; however, through my disappointment from my father, I grab hold to the thought of being a great mother to my children one day, providing a life for them, supporting them in every way, loving them unconditionally, and never, ever leaving their side... that is what I hope to accomplish. My father has missed out on times he will never have again, and he has no one to blame for that but himself.
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