Well, 3 weeks have almost passed since Kyle left. 17 days to be exact. I'm actually doing okay. I've had my bad "moments" as I call them. I haven't necessarily had a bad day yet. I just have spurts where everything hits me all at once. With Christmas behind me, and getting closer to having a month under my belt, I'm feeling pretty good. Not great-- but good.
Christmas was definitely weird without Kyle here. There were times I caught myself not really looking for Kyle, because I obviously knew he wasn't there, but it was like a serious longing for him there. There were little moments that I just wanted him to be a part of so badly. When I opened up certain gifts, like the personal calendar my sister in law made us- I wanted him to see that. As well as a couple of "home" gifts my mom got me for Christmas. You never understand the love you truly have for a person until they are gone. I sort of had my hopes up that Kyle's drill instructors would let his platoon call home yesterday... but he didn't. I'm sure if I had not had my phone attached to my hip all day long, he would have called and I would have missed the call. HA! It'd be my luck.
Being with my family, sharing memories and lots of laughter truly helped my somber mood. There were a lot of laughs Sunday with my aunt and cousins. Christmas Eve was great with Kyle's family. When I wrote a letter to Kyle last night I told him that it almost felt like he was there because we talked about him so much. I would say, "Yeah, Kyle would say....." and we'd just laugh, because we could hear his southern accent cracking jokes at everyone and teasing his family... just doing what he does best. :)
All in all my Christmas was good. Some have asked how it was and I've been replying, "A little weird and different." But, it truly was different. The past 2 Christmases I've had Kyle there with me in the morning to exchange gifts with my mom. We've gone to his family gatherings, as well as mine. We've enjoyed time together and celebrated the birth of our Lord together. All of those things we did together. And though it hasn't been every Christmas for the past, say, 5 years or whatever like some people have... the past 2 years have felt like an eternity with Kyle because it feels like I have loved him my entire life. I know that sounds strange, but it's true.
I hope you and your family had a marvelous Christmas and truly relished the time you spent together. There were times when I thought of the families of the victims of the CT shooting. Those precious children with gifts under the Christmas tree were not there to open them and see what Santa brought, or eat lots of cookies and desserts and have full bellies before they were tucked into bed. I thought about them and suddenly realized that my circumstances could be a lot worse than what they were/are. I'm lucky... and incredibly blessed to what I have. Those families will never be the same, and their Christmases will probably always have a darkness looming nearby.
Be thankful, people.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Half of My Heart
Well, Kyle is officially in Parris Island, SC. I know I've put that on Facebook already, and some of you are probably getting sick of me talking about him and the journey he has started. I would apologize for being annoying, but I won't. Talking about him being away helps me come to terms with reality and understand that he is really gone.
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Sunday SUCKED. There is no other word for it. It just plain sucked. Kyle was so composed and relaxed while I was a big ball of mess on the inside. I kept it together for the most part. Mom said she was proud of the way I handled saying goodbye... I just thought, "Did YOU see me? Because I know I didn't handle that well. But, if you say so." It was probably one of the worst days of my life. Or the worst moment, anyway. At one point on the way home I told mom, "I know this is cynical to say, but I feel like Kyle is dead. I have his wallet, his phone, his belongings with me... but he isn't here. I feel like he is dead." I broke down again and mom reassured me that Kyle is alive... he is very much alive. I'm just not used to not hearing from him. When he worked for Aubrey-Silvey and was out of town I could still get in touch with him if I needed to. So, knowing that if I needed him, I could call was reassuring. Now, I won't hear him for 3 months. That may not seem like a long time to you... but it seems like forever to me. Luckily, there are letters... they do give them that much.
This week will be the worst. Once I get the first letter I will be okay... I think. At least knowing he is okay will reassure me. Right now I just keep thinking, "What is he doing? Is he okay? Has he gotten yelled at? Has he had any sleep?" Pathetic, huh? I really should take a few deep breaths and realize that I will see him again in a few months... though it seems so far away. I do have things to keep myself busy. I have work, babysitting, Pinterest ideas and crafts, Christmas shopping, and quality family time. All the while, I'll be thinking of Kyle (that rhymed - my ADD is kicking in).
I just miss my sweet man. I miss hearing his voice. CRAP. I'm crying now. Talking about missing him really gets my tear ducts moving. I'm okay until someone asks me if I'm okay... then I break down. Weird, huh? I know I've said it already, but prayers really are appreciated. Prayers for Kyle, mostly. Pray that his leadership skills will shine through and the drill instructors will see his full potential. Pray that he will not lose himself amongst all of the chaos - that he will stay the same silly, goof ball, comedian Kyle that we all know and love. Pray the Lord will put a shield over him through the next 3 months and keep him safe. Also, pray for me and our families. Both of our families love and miss him dearly. I know it's corny and cheesy, but part of my heart truly is in South Carolina for the next 13 weeks. I feel strange. My belly is in a weird state and my mind is at a constant state of wonder. If this doesn't show that I am madly in love with this man, I don't know what will.
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Monday, October 22, 2012
Change is gonna come
It's been a while since I took the time to write. With that said, A LOT in my life has changed. So much has changed that I'm really not sure where to even begin.
Let's just start with the most obvious excitement in my life: I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!! :) I couldn't be happier to be engaged to the most incredible man I've ever met. Kyle is the best friend and the best man the Lord could have placed in my life. He is good and kind, smart and real, most of all, he is true and honest. I cannot wait to be his wife. Shortly after we were engaged, someone asked me how I knew I was in love with Kyle... and I quickly answered, "When you can be your absolute truest self in front of them and when you can tell them everything... every. single. thing... that's when you know." I tell Kyle the good and the bad and he accepts that, praise God. My heart feels like exploding every time I think of spending my life with Kyle. As Meredith Grey (from Grey's Anatomy) would say, "He is my person."
Next on the list... I'm GRADUATING IN LESS THAN 2 MONTHS! Oh my. That's overwhelming to say. It's a long awaited day. I've worked as hard as I could to finally get to this point. So many tears have been shed due to the stress I've had the past couple of years. Kyle can testify to those tears. Bless his heart... he put up with so much crap. Student teaching has been rough... but the classes and the professors were even worse. I absolutely adored a couple of the professors I had. They couldn't have been sweeter and more understanding. However, for every one awesome professor, there are about ten bad ones, which sucked. Now that I'm an intern and I'm basically teaching all day every day, I realize how a big girl job can really weigh you down. I'm so incredibly excited to have my own classroom and to follow my own rules and to do things my way. Student teaching will really open your eyes to the things you don't want to do as a teacher.
The day after I graduate college will be the most excruciating day I will ever face. Kyle will leave for basic training in Paris Island, South Carolina. I will not hear his precious voice for 13 weeks. He is becoming a Marine. No situation has ever felt so bittersweet. Part of my heart is full of complete pride and honor as I look at Kyle in admiration. He is one of the most courageous men I've ever met. He is also the most protecting. So, for him to go into the Marines, I have the utmost confidence that he will succeed in any situation he faces. At the beginning of this journey, when Kyle first signed, it was heartbreaking for me. I probably wasn't the most supportive girlfriend in the world, but as we have become closer and Kyle has had more Marine functions to go to, I've become more accepting of the fact that my life is going to change. Partly for the good, and partly for the bad. I'm not excited about leaving my family. My mom, brother and I are very close. Not being 5 minutes away from her is going to be really tough at first. However, my mom made a good point a couple of months ago when we were talking. She said, "Rachel, this move might be good for you and Kyle. It will make you lean on one another when times get tough because all you will have is each other." She couldn't be more correct. I've always called on my mom whenever something bad happened. I'll occasionally talk to Kyle, but Kyle is a man and he doesn't always want to hear me rant and run on about my chaotic day. But, if and when we move states, he's going to have to learn to deal with my venting, and I'm going to have to adjust to his job and the fact that he may or may not always be sleeping beside me at night. There are a lot of changes that we're going to be faced with in the next year or so. It's crazy to think that I will be in another state this time next year. I'm slowly becoming excited about it though. Now that we're engaged, it's becoming real that we will spend our lives together and I will have his children and we'll grow old together. I can't wait to begin my life with him. I really can't.
That may not seem like a lot of changes to you. But, if you take a step back and think about all of that happening in your life, you'll probably think differently. Getting engaged, planning a wedding, graduating college, looking for a job while Kyle is in basic training for 3 months, getting married, and then moving to a new location away from my family, and starting my teaching career. It is a hell of a lot to take in all at once. I try not to think about all of it at the same time, because I know all it will do is make me paranoid and overwhelmed.
I'm learning to lean on Kyle when I become overwhelmed. Sometimes I still hold it all in and pretend it isn't going to really happen, that December 9th will never come, and that I won't have to really go 3 months without seeing or speaking to my sweet Kyle. But, the reality is that all of that is going to happen. I can't change the situation, but I can change how I handle and approach it. I'm definitely going to keep myself busy with something. Granted, I know the first week he is gone I'll probably just crawl in my closet with multiple boxes of tissue and the biggest tub of Blue Bell's Cookies-N-Cream I can find. But, after that I will have to learn to adjust to him being gone. I have to stay positive.
"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
Let's just start with the most obvious excitement in my life: I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!! :) I couldn't be happier to be engaged to the most incredible man I've ever met. Kyle is the best friend and the best man the Lord could have placed in my life. He is good and kind, smart and real, most of all, he is true and honest. I cannot wait to be his wife. Shortly after we were engaged, someone asked me how I knew I was in love with Kyle... and I quickly answered, "When you can be your absolute truest self in front of them and when you can tell them everything... every. single. thing... that's when you know." I tell Kyle the good and the bad and he accepts that, praise God. My heart feels like exploding every time I think of spending my life with Kyle. As Meredith Grey (from Grey's Anatomy) would say, "He is my person."
Next on the list... I'm GRADUATING IN LESS THAN 2 MONTHS! Oh my. That's overwhelming to say. It's a long awaited day. I've worked as hard as I could to finally get to this point. So many tears have been shed due to the stress I've had the past couple of years. Kyle can testify to those tears. Bless his heart... he put up with so much crap. Student teaching has been rough... but the classes and the professors were even worse. I absolutely adored a couple of the professors I had. They couldn't have been sweeter and more understanding. However, for every one awesome professor, there are about ten bad ones, which sucked. Now that I'm an intern and I'm basically teaching all day every day, I realize how a big girl job can really weigh you down. I'm so incredibly excited to have my own classroom and to follow my own rules and to do things my way. Student teaching will really open your eyes to the things you don't want to do as a teacher.
The day after I graduate college will be the most excruciating day I will ever face. Kyle will leave for basic training in Paris Island, South Carolina. I will not hear his precious voice for 13 weeks. He is becoming a Marine. No situation has ever felt so bittersweet. Part of my heart is full of complete pride and honor as I look at Kyle in admiration. He is one of the most courageous men I've ever met. He is also the most protecting. So, for him to go into the Marines, I have the utmost confidence that he will succeed in any situation he faces. At the beginning of this journey, when Kyle first signed, it was heartbreaking for me. I probably wasn't the most supportive girlfriend in the world, but as we have become closer and Kyle has had more Marine functions to go to, I've become more accepting of the fact that my life is going to change. Partly for the good, and partly for the bad. I'm not excited about leaving my family. My mom, brother and I are very close. Not being 5 minutes away from her is going to be really tough at first. However, my mom made a good point a couple of months ago when we were talking. She said, "Rachel, this move might be good for you and Kyle. It will make you lean on one another when times get tough because all you will have is each other." She couldn't be more correct. I've always called on my mom whenever something bad happened. I'll occasionally talk to Kyle, but Kyle is a man and he doesn't always want to hear me rant and run on about my chaotic day. But, if and when we move states, he's going to have to learn to deal with my venting, and I'm going to have to adjust to his job and the fact that he may or may not always be sleeping beside me at night. There are a lot of changes that we're going to be faced with in the next year or so. It's crazy to think that I will be in another state this time next year. I'm slowly becoming excited about it though. Now that we're engaged, it's becoming real that we will spend our lives together and I will have his children and we'll grow old together. I can't wait to begin my life with him. I really can't.
That may not seem like a lot of changes to you. But, if you take a step back and think about all of that happening in your life, you'll probably think differently. Getting engaged, planning a wedding, graduating college, looking for a job while Kyle is in basic training for 3 months, getting married, and then moving to a new location away from my family, and starting my teaching career. It is a hell of a lot to take in all at once. I try not to think about all of it at the same time, because I know all it will do is make me paranoid and overwhelmed.
I'm learning to lean on Kyle when I become overwhelmed. Sometimes I still hold it all in and pretend it isn't going to really happen, that December 9th will never come, and that I won't have to really go 3 months without seeing or speaking to my sweet Kyle. But, the reality is that all of that is going to happen. I can't change the situation, but I can change how I handle and approach it. I'm definitely going to keep myself busy with something. Granted, I know the first week he is gone I'll probably just crawl in my closet with multiple boxes of tissue and the biggest tub of Blue Bell's Cookies-N-Cream I can find. But, after that I will have to learn to adjust to him being gone. I have to stay positive.
"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
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