Moving Forward

Well, 3 weeks have almost passed since Kyle left. 17 days to be exact. I'm actually doing okay. I've had my bad "moments" as I call them. I haven't necessarily had a bad day yet. I just have spurts where everything hits me all at once. With Christmas behind me, and getting closer to having a month under my belt, I'm feeling pretty good. Not great-- but good.

Christmas was definitely weird without Kyle here. There were times I caught myself not really looking for Kyle, because I obviously knew he wasn't there, but it was like a serious longing for him there. There were little moments that I just wanted him to be a part of so badly. When I opened up certain gifts, like the personal calendar my sister in law made us- I wanted him to see that. As well as a couple of "home" gifts my mom got me for Christmas. You never understand the love you truly have for a person until they are gone. I sort of had my hopes up that Kyle's drill instructors would let his platoon call home yesterday... but he didn't. I'm sure if I had not had my phone attached to my hip all day long, he would have called and I would have missed the call. HA! It'd be my luck.

Being with my family, sharing memories and lots of laughter truly helped my somber mood. There were a lot of laughs Sunday with my aunt and cousins. Christmas Eve was great with Kyle's family. When I wrote a letter to Kyle last night I told him that it almost felt like he was there because we talked about him so much. I would say, "Yeah, Kyle would say....." and we'd just laugh, because we could hear his southern accent cracking jokes at everyone and teasing his family... just doing what he does best. :)

All in all my Christmas was good. Some have asked how it was and I've been replying, "A little weird and different." But, it truly was different. The past 2 Christmases I've had Kyle there with me in the morning to exchange gifts with my mom. We've gone to his family gatherings, as well as mine. We've enjoyed time together and celebrated the birth of our Lord together. All of those things we did together. And though it hasn't been every Christmas for the past, say, 5 years or whatever like some people have... the past 2 years have felt like an eternity with Kyle because it feels like I have loved him my entire life. I know that sounds strange, but it's true.

I hope you and your family had a marvelous Christmas and truly relished the time you spent together. There were times when I thought of the families of the victims of the CT shooting. Those precious children with gifts under the Christmas tree were not there to open them and see what Santa brought, or eat lots of cookies and desserts and have full bellies before they were tucked into bed. I thought about them and suddenly realized that my circumstances could be a lot worse than what they were/are. I'm lucky... and incredibly blessed to what I have. Those families will never be the same, and their Christmases will probably always have a darkness looming nearby.

Be thankful, people.

Half of My Heart

Well, Kyle is officially in Parris Island, SC. I know I've put that on Facebook already, and some of you are probably getting sick of me talking about him and the journey he has started. I would apologize for being annoying, but I won't. Talking about him being away helps me come to terms with reality and understand that he is really gone.

Sunday SUCKED. There is no other word for it. It just plain sucked. Kyle was so composed and relaxed while I was a big ball of mess on the inside. I kept it together for the most part. Mom said she was proud of the way I handled saying goodbye... I just thought, "Did YOU see me? Because I know I didn't handle that well. But, if you say so." It was probably one of the worst days of my life. Or the worst moment, anyway. At one point on the way home I told mom, "I know this is cynical to say, but I feel like Kyle is dead. I have his wallet, his phone, his belongings with me... but he isn't here. I feel like he is dead." I broke down again and mom reassured me that Kyle is alive... he is very much alive. I'm just not used to not hearing from him. When he worked for Aubrey-Silvey and was out of town I could still get in touch with him if I needed to. So, knowing that if I needed him, I could call was reassuring. Now, I won't hear him for 3 months. That may not seem like a long time to you... but it seems like forever to me. Luckily, there are letters... they do give them that much. 

This week will be the worst. Once I get the first letter I will be okay... I think. At least knowing he is okay will reassure me. Right now I just keep thinking, "What is he doing? Is he okay? Has he gotten yelled at? Has he had any sleep?" Pathetic, huh? I really should take a few deep breaths and realize that I will see him again in a few months... though it seems so far away. I do have things to keep myself busy. I have work, babysitting, Pinterest ideas and crafts, Christmas shopping, and quality family time. All the while, I'll be thinking of Kyle (that rhymed - my ADD is kicking in). 

I just miss my sweet man. I miss hearing his voice. CRAP. I'm crying now. Talking about missing him really gets my tear ducts moving. I'm okay until someone asks me if I'm okay... then I break down. Weird, huh? I know I've said it already, but prayers really are appreciated. Prayers for Kyle, mostly. Pray that his leadership skills will shine through and the drill instructors will see his full potential. Pray that he will not lose himself amongst all of the chaos - that he will stay the same silly, goof ball, comedian Kyle that we all know and love. Pray the Lord will put a shield over him through the next 3 months and keep him safe. Also, pray for me and our families. Both of our families love and miss him dearly. I know it's corny and cheesy, but part of my heart truly is in South Carolina for the next 13 weeks. I feel strange. My belly is in a weird state and my mind is at a constant state of wonder. If this doesn't show that I am madly in love with this man, I don't know what will.