Lone Survivor

Tonight is pretty boring. Snow is falling down, it's a beautiful, frigid cold outside, I'm drinking a glass of wine, The State Of The Union is on TV (snore) and Lone Survivor (the book) is sitting on the coffee table in front of me.

I'm almost to Chapter 4 in the book. The chapters are pretty long, and it's a fairly "heavier" book than what I am used to reading. And, I'll just throw out that I'm not necessarily the fastest reader in all the land.

If you don't know the book I am talking about-- look it up, read the book, and/or see the movie. I'll tell you this just so you're not completely lost while reading this blog post- the Navy SEALs portrayed in the movie are based on real SEALs that went on Operation Redwing in 2005. Long story short, the mission went incredibly wrong because of the Taliban. Need I say more?

We went to see the movie almost 3 weeks ago and it has been on my mind ever since then. It was a very, very, very emotional movie. So emotional that I not only cried, I weeped while watching it. So much so, that Kyle leaned over about half way through the movie and asked me if I was going to be OK.

I have never in my life cried in a movie theater. Not because I'm not a crier, because God knows that I am. But, the movies that we typically watch in the theaters are not sensitive, emotional touching stories such as Lone Survivor.

Once the credits started rolling, the entire theater was silent. Not many people spoke. Many wiped their eyes, as did I, but it didn't help. Tears kept rolling, and once we got to our car, I completely fell to pieces. Kyle put his arm around me and assured me that he would never experience what the Navy SEALs in Lone Survivor went through.

I quickly reminded him, through sobbing tears and mascara smeared eyes, that it wasn't the fear that he would ever encounter the Talbian, Al-Qaeda, or any other terrorist group. It was the sheer fact that, I can somewhat compare myself to the wives, families, and friends of those SEALs. I'm not a SEAL spouse. Thank God above for that. But, I'm a military spouse. I'm a Marine Wife.

Do you know how heavy of a burden that is to carry?

Please don't think that I am mad or frustrated for having this burden. I'm honored, quite frankly. Who would ever be honored to carry a burden? Not many people. But, there is also something extremely terrifying about being a spouse to a Marine. Not because he is going to be deployed to a dangerous area and be at risk for injury or even death. But, knowing that anything can happen is frightening. 

At any point, something could go wrong in the world we live in. And, as many know, the Marines are first in and last out. And, luckily for me, Kyle's company (FAST- Fleet Anti Terrorism Security Team, Alpha Company - 1st Platoon) is one of the first groups to be sent out. Not necessarily to the front lines, but to guard and control a United States Embassy in another country, or other U.S. government buildings, possibly to get a riot of some sort under control, etc.

That's a scary thought.

Don't get me wrong, the SEALs are on an entirely different level than any other branch of the armed forces. However, I can sympathize with the families of those who were portrayed in the movie Lone Survivor. No, I don't understand what they have endured in the past almost decade, but I can share a deeper bond with their pain than the average civilian can.

Go see the movie and/or read the book. It honestly will change your total outlook on the United States Armed Forces. It will give you more respect, and make you proud to be an American. But, it will also shatter and shake you a bit. I hope my "review" hasn't given you a bad outlook on the book/movie if you haven't read/seen it yet. Don't let my bellowing tears hinder you from witnessing an absolutely incredible movie.

Marcus Luttrell, the Lone Survivor, is a true American hero who I would love to meet someday.

I'll finish with something that Kyle said the day after we saw the movie. It resounded with me, for some reason. Probably because it came from Kyle who can, at times, be a man of very few words. Especially when it comes to in depth conversations (sorry, babe... you know it's true).

He said these simple words, "That guy has a lot of demons that will never go away."

How true those words are. 

this week.

This week went by pretty quickly, thank goodness.

Kyle had MLK day off on Monday, but still had to go into work for 2 hours for a "gear check" for this week. Which, was completely dumb, if I might add. A lot of things the Marines do are dumb... and I have no problem saying so.

I only had to work 1/2 day Monday. So, when I came home from work, Kyle was sitting in his pink saucer chair (it's really mine, he just uses it for when he plays xbox) in his underwear. I literally said to myself as I was walking up the stairs to our apartment, "I bet Kyle isn't even out of his boxers yet." He had actually been productive while I was working. He gave Drake a little hair cut and then took a shower, so he was in clean boxers.

I bet you could have gone without that little tid-bit of information, huh? You're welcome.

Anyway. We had a really good day. Then, Tuesday morning came and he gave me a sweet hug and left for 2 weeks. Or so I thought. I went to work, then went grocery shopping. Later on that afternoon I got a phone call from Kyle. I figured he would be telling me that he had made it to Quantico. Nope.

He was coming back home. *cue high pitched squeal*

Turns out, Quantico had already gotten so much snow, that they couldn't make it up there. I was so excited. So, he came home, changed clothes, then went to get us some dinner. By the time he came back home, there was about an inch of snow on the top of my car. The snow came down hard Tuesday night. Drake and I got out in it and had some fun. Wednesday morning, the family I work for text me and said they didn't want me driving in the snow, so I got the day off. Kyle got part of the morning off, kind of. He left at 9:15. But, it was still nice to hang out with him for a couple of hours.

When you're a military wife, you seriously soak up every. single. minute you get with your spouse. Especially if it's an unexpected minute, like with Kyle surprisingly coming home Tuesday night. You rarely ever get extra time. More often than not, time is taken away, not given. They leave earlier, or they come home later, etc.

This is the first weekend I'll be alone since we moved to Virginia, and it's going to be weird. I'm going to try not to get sad, because when I get sad, I stay sad. Not many people or many things can cheer me up the way Kyle can. I keep telling myself, "Stay positive, you'll see him next weekend."

I hope. That actually hasn't been confirmed yet. But, I'm crossing my fingers they will get to come home next Friday. If he doesn't, that means he only has 1 weekend home before he leaves for Cuba.

*sigh*

I'm sure that deployments suck... but the time leading up to the deployment really, really, really sucks.

handling life.

I don't think I've ever felt more overwhelmed in my entire life.

I take that back. Senior year of college and planning our wedding in 1 month were both pretty chaotic. Other than that, being a military spouse is hands down the most overwhelming experience I've ever endured.

Kyle is gone this entire week, training. He will come back Friday night, be home for the weekend, then leave again next week for Quantico, Virginia for 12 days (or more). I think he will be home for the first 2 weeks of February, and then he will leave for Cuba for 3 months.

I keep saying that I will deal with the anxiety once he leaves. My main reason is I don't want the next few weeks to just be a dreadful time for us. Someone once said, "If you go to the beach and it's beautiful on Saturday, but you know that Sunday is going to rain like hell, are you going to let it ruin the already beautiful day or are you going to go enjoy it?" It's a good comparison. Why would I let the next few weeks be doom and gloom when I can do that once Kyle leaves?

I don't think any military spouse can prepare themselves for the separation, no matter how long that separation may be. Then, when you reach out to people, or take to social media. Not necessarily to complain, but to ask for encouragement or prayers, you'll get the snide, crude remarks from people who don't know how to keep their mouth shut... "Well, you knew what you were doing when you married him." "You signed up for this." "These next few days (months, years, etc.) will be over before you know it!" It's like some people think that military spouses deserve the heartache because we married into the military. The way some people think....

Shut. Up. Just shut up.

I did not sign up for this. I did not swear in to the Marine Corps. I did not attend basic training. I signed up for Kyle. Way before the Marines were ever in his plans. Ironically, I can remember saying that I would never be a military wife. I remember saying that to Kyle when he joked about joining the military. I basically told him that it was me or the military... take his pick.

That was a joke. I knew that I would never give up on Kyle because he wanted to do something with his life. To be someone. To accomplish something in life.


So, yes. I knew that I was going to be separated from him. But, how do you prepare your heart, mind and soul for that? You can't. You cannot do it. Even the military spouses who have gone thru dozens of deployments say that they never get easier. You just slowly learn to deal with it. To accept it.

I can get thru 3 months. I don't know how I am going to get thru 7 months. I suppose a lot of grace and mercy are going to be handed to me over the next year and a half. That's honestly all I can ask for. Other than the good Lord above, I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do 2014.

No. Freaking. Clue.