heavy heart

I have so many things on my mind, I'm really not even sure where or how to begin. I have so many different emotions streaming through my veins I am not able to comprehend and that is probably what scares me the most. I feel anger, sadness, frustration, and most of all, confusion. I feel as though I walk around with a huge question mark over my head that will never, ever escape. 

I have been really torn with the relationship I have with my father for about the past month now. My grandfather (my dad's father) passed away back in April and since then, I have not heard from my dad one time. Not through email, phone, anything. My cousin was the one to break the news about my grandfather's death to me, and when I heard I immediately called my dad, and I received no answer, which I expected. Losing a loved one, especially a parent, is never easy. My mother lost her father back in 2005 and I saw how detrimental it was to her heart. My dad's relationship with his father was some-what like my mom's was with her father; however, my dad is his father's son through and through. He followed in his footsteps as a parent, which, to me is not the best of compliments. My dad's childhood was probably not the greatest, from what I have heard, but I feel like there comes a time when you break the mold and do things right. My father did not break that mold. He followed right behind his father. I do not mean to speak badly of the deceased, but anyone who knew the man (my grandfather) knew that he was not the easiest man to talk to, he was very selfish and judgmental, and on top of that, promiscuous. 

My father was and is all of those things, except judgmental. I do not recall that being one of his characteristics. I never really felt like I could talk to him about personal issues I was having. Our relationship was more of a friend relationship, not a father-daughter. And my brother would say the same. It was not up until January that I saw him actually get serious with my brother and I. He emailed me and Jeremy (my brother) about him coming up around the new year to meet up and talk. At that time, my brother and I had not spoken to our dad on the phone in quite a while. I remember emailing him a couple of times, but it was extremely short and to the point. When he emailed us about coming up from Florida, I cried. I burst into tears because that was the first time he had actually made an attempt to reach out to us and TRY to do things right. Long story short, we met up on January 1st (ironic that it's the, "new year", and a chance at a, "fresh start". Or so we thought. Things with our dad went really well, he apologized for a lot of things he had done in the past, and told us that life is too short to be angry at each other. After that visit, Kyle and I went to visit him around the beginning of February for a few days. We went to see him again about a month later during my spring break, when we stayed about a week. Both visits went really well, and I was sad to come home. After that, I talked to him a few times on the phone, but once my grandfather died, he basically became a turtle who had crawled back into his shell and had no intentions of coming out any time soon. 

I emailed him a few times, and called him, leaving messages. I never had a response to either. I finally texted my step mother and asked her to tell him to call me. She said she would. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't, but I never received. Then, the best celebration of all, Father's Day, rolled around. Joy. I spent the day with Kyle's family, since my mom and step dad were out of town, and when I came home I called my dad. The call went to a message saying, "The person you are trying to reach is not available at this time. Please try your call again later." That struck me very odd because my father's cell phone is also his work phone, and his voice mail was set up to where it said his name, and the company he worked for. I emailed him about two weeks later that basically just said please email me or call me. Well, lo and behold I receive an email about an hour later that said, "Your dad no longer has an email account with us. You can reach him at (number) and his email address is (email address)." This email came from a man who worked for the company my dad worked for. So, that told me two things. 1-My dad no longer works there, and 2-He didn't bother to tell me his number had changed. I was pretty pissed off at this point, as you can imagine. That day I went home and called my step mom to find out what the hell was going on. What do you know? Her phone has been disconnected. My emotions towards that really did not set in until about a week later for whatever reason. When they finally did set in, they were a whirlwind of anger, sadness, "what the hell"-ness. I mean, what do you do when your dad/mom does not even inform you that their number has changed?

So, I called my uncle (who lives in Florida) and asked him what was up. He told me that my father did in fact lose his job because the people he worked for were pretty much crooks who stole money from the company, so they went belly up. I did not go into why he had not told me about losing his job or his phone number changing. I really just called to get my hands dirty with some information. I have not taken any action on the matter since then, and I'm not sure I will any time soon. 

I know all of that is so much detail and information that it is probably just as hard for you as it is for me to process. Believe me, my head has been spinning since Monday (when I talked to my uncle). I really just do not get it. I never will. I will never understand how a parent can be so absent through their children's lives, then, all of a sudden try to reconnect after about 10 months of hardly any contact with either, and then BAM, just disappear again. I have so much confusion in my heart and mind I don't know what to do. When he contacted my brother and I back in December, I was just starting to finally accept that he is who he is and I cannot change that. And then this? I honestly just wish he had never even emailed us. Just left things the horrible way they were so that I could have fully moved on from it. Now... it's just a huge set back and I'm right where I was a year ago. Ever since I was 15 I have been keeping the hope alive for my father to really change his ways and realize that he is, indeed, a father. I feel like I am beating a dead horse, in a way. 

I believe there is a lesson that comes out of every heartache. This one has been extremely difficult to try to understand; however, through my disappointment from my father, I grab hold to the thought of being a great mother to my children one day, providing a life for them, supporting them in every way, loving them unconditionally, and never, ever leaving their side... that is what I hope to accomplish. My father has missed out on times he will never have again, and he has no one to blame for that but himself. 

silly love

Like Forrest Gump said, "I'm not a smart man, but I do know what love is." 

Most of you probably don't know... but I go to a counselor about once a month on a regular basis. I started going when I was 15. My mom thought it would be beneficial for me because I was just going through some awkward stages and she and I were not getting along. After getting down to the root of most of my issues I realized I had some emotions buried very, very deep towards my father. The story of my dad and I is really not worth explaining. Not because he isn't a good dad, just because it's long and a story of itself. I stopped going for a long time because of life basically. It just got ahead of us and we never went back again. Then last spring break (of 2010) shit hit the fan again with my dad and I felt like I needed to go back, so I did. I've been routinely going now for right at about a year and it's been great for me. I've let out tears, frustration, confusion, anger, and every other emotion you could possibly think of. The dilemma between my dad and I has been solved and he and I have been great, and I thank God for that every day. But, just because I'm at peace finally with everything doesn't mean I'm going to stop going to my counselor. He's been extremely beneficial for me, my emotions and ultimately my relationships with other people. 

I say all of that to talk about one subject... love. Yes, that four letter word that confuses the complete hell out of the human species at some point in their lives. I have learned a lot about love throughout the past year. The main thing I can say about love is that it's hard. It's very, very, very hard. Unfortunately God didn't create love to be easy... in fact it's one of the hardest things to whole heartedly do. The bible verse (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7, 13) that says "Love is patient, love is kind...." is ironic. Love, in fact, is not usually patient, nor kind, nor gentle, it's sometimes jealous... do you see where I'm going with this? We do things backwards and we're good at it. But that is what makes us human... and thank the good Lord above for grace and mercy because I would be lost without it. 

I was talking to Kyle (my boyfriend, for those of you who don't know) a few weeks ago about relationships... particularly ours and I was telling him some things that I had been talking to my counselor about. I told Kyle that people have the right to ask what they want in a relationship, to sort of set expectations. He looked at me and said, "Well thanks, Dr. Phil for the insight." It rubbed me the wrong way because he wasn't taking our conversation seriously. I told him that just because I don't have that "Dr." in front of my name doesn't mean that I don't know anything about love. Kyle and I are very different and very alike in a lot of ways. We're both stubborn and extremely head strong... which as you can imagine can get pretty interesting. But we're both extremely goofy and at times pretty immature. I wouldn't trade him for the world... which in the end is really what matters. My counselor helped me let go of issues I had with a past relationship so I could move on in my life with Kyle. I had to really work on myself for a long time and understand that Kyle isn't the bad guy from my past... he's the good one of my future. Kyle and I have both been through pretty rocky relationships that have actually helped us in our relationship. We both know what we want and what we don't want. We both make mistakes some times and say things that we don't mean... but I know that when we both say, "I love you" we mean it. One of our friends has said, "When is the wedding?" or "I better be invited to the wedding!" before. Some probably think we don't have to work at our relationship... that it just comes naturally because we love each other. But it doesn't. Of course we love each other, but we have to work on ourselves every day. It's not always pretty, and it's not always patient or kind or gentle or what have you. But at the end of the day I know he is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. Through all of the petty things, all of the silly bickers we get into, we still love each other. 

I don't know if any of you have seen the movie, "Grown Ups" with Adam Sandler, if you haven't you should... it's a pretty cute movie. Anyway, towards the end of the movie one of the characters says, "Life can be difficult sometimes, it gets bumpy. What with family and kids and things not going exactly like you planned. But that's what makes it interesting. In life the first act is always exciting. The second act... that is where the depth comes in. 

The first part of a relationship is always exciting and new. You have butterflies when they call or when you see them for the first time that day, or when they hug you and kiss you. That's always there and it's one of the best feelings in life. The second part of a relationship is where the work comes in... and where you get down to the fact of the matter... where it makes or breaks you. Relationships are not about whether or not you and your better half agree on everything. Agreeing on everything isn't fun. What would there be to talk about if you never disagreed with each other? I'm not saying to disagree and argue about your opinions 24/7. But, people weren't created to all be the same, think the same, act the same... and so on. We were created completely different from one another, to have different values/morals, opinions, and expectations. Relationships are about disagreeing on what is important to one another and being able to work through that disagreement to reach an agreement. Do you see what I mean? 

I may not be the smartest woman, or Dr. Phil, or Oprah, or Nancy Grace (haha), but throughout my life I have come to understand what love truly is. Which is something some people don't ever get a chance to figure out. Even though I have gone through hell and back to make sense of it all... I wouldn't trade any experience for the world because it got me to what I am and who I am with today. 

First but not Last

I was encouraged to to start writing more like I used to in high school. I have friends who blog, so I figured I would give this a shot. This is more for me than it is for any of you that may read this. It's the best way for me to get all of my thoughts out and feel good about doing so.

A lot has been on my mind lately thanks to school, not working much because of school (being broke), and my relationship with my boyfriend, all of which I'm not in total control over, which sometimes freaks me out. I asked my boyfriend one day if he would like to control everything that happens in his life and he said no. This came as a total shock to me. Who wouldn't want to control everything in their life?! I mean, that is what we as humans are good at... trying to take control and wanting our way. The funny thing about control is that it also means taking responsibility, and we DON'T like responsibilities. So we seemed to be screwed either way.

I recently started my first block (which is basically just your first semester of your major classes) and that requires me to student teach 2 days a week (Tuesday and Thursday). The first day I went home exhausted and even cried the next morning because I was so tired. My first block has required me to be up by no later than 7 o'clock Monday thru Thursday, if not earlier than that. I have not really slept in for about a year now, but when I have 8 hour school and work days (without a nap), I am dog tired by the end of the day. So, the past few weeks have been a little rough on my body and my mind. I have student taught before/observed before in high school so I thought I had an idea as to what I was getting into; however the education system has certainly changed since then. There are a lot of behavioral issues at the school I am student teaching at (which will remain nameless due to legality terms). At first it really made me think if education was the right place for me because I wasn't sure if I could handle it. After talking to a few people and the support from my family I realized that I cannot let one class ruin my goals and dreams of becoming a teacher. I know people think that it is absurd to go into education right now, but honestly those people just need to keep their opinions to themselves. The reason they make students student teach and observe is to weed out the ones who cannot handle it. If you're an education major and you're in your first block and you end your first block not sure if teaching was/is right for you then you have decision making issues you might want to look into. Even though I am only going 2 days a week that is a HUGE taste as how (or how not) to run a classroom. So, don't tell me I don't need to be a teacher. I will make that decision on my own.

I just need a lot of support and encouragement right now. I cannot remember a time in my life that I needed it more than I do now. I don't need to be torn down and ridiculed for what my goals in life are. Everyone has their own aspirations, some may not like mine and I may not like others but would I ever say, "You shouldn't do....." or "You don't need to be a...."? Hell no. I know how it feels to have people tell you not to do what you've always wanted to do and it sucks. You want to look at them and say, "Well, if you're telling me NOT to do it then why did you DO it?" It is even better when the person who is telling you what to/what not to do has NEVER actually done it themselves. Like, really? Shut the hell up. EVERY job has it's pros and cons. NO career is perfect and EVERY career will bring a bad day or two. Yours might make more than mine will one day but do I care? No. Money does not buy happiness.

There is a saying that says, "Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life."