Most people have had a death in their family before. Maybe not one they had a tough time coping with, but most adults have had someone in their lives die. When my Aunt Marilyn passed on February 2, I immediately felt as though I was in some wild, unexplainable dream. On February 3 I woke up and wanted to rewind the day again to make sure she really had died, that I wasn't just making it up in my head. Her death wasn't like any other I had ever experienced. Since I was 15 my family has lost 6 people (combined from my mom and dad's side). I say since I was 15 because before that I don't remember many deaths occurring in our families. Sure, many of them were unexpected, but my Aunt's came from timbuck-two or something. I cannot explain it.
Unfortunately, the days carried on, and the dream became more of a reality. A horrible reality that I didn't and still don't want to be living.
I don't want to say that death isn't fair. We will all die one day and go on to our next life beyond the realms of this Earth. But, when people die, how people die, and why people die doesn't always seem fair. But, it all goes back to the old (and cliche) saying of, "Life isn't fair." No kidding. That became more blatantly obvious to me on February 2 that it ever had before.
My 90 year old grandmother had to bury her 65 year old daughter. My mom had to say goodbye to her only sibling. And, my cousin had to lay her only living parent to rest and go on living her life without ever hearing her mother's voice again.
Does ANY of that seem fair? NO. (Note: I am beginning to become angry as I type these words)
Some people are amazing at consoling people after they've lost someone close. Some people are not bad at it, but sometimes they don't always have the right words. And others, well, they suck balls at it. Plain and simple. For instance, who wants to hear:
"I'm so sorry honey, but she's much better off than we are." (The last part of the comment completely takes away from the condolences the person first offered. Just shut up, seriously)
"This is what she wanted. She was ready to die." (Oh, yeah that makes us feel SO much better.)
"Well, how's everyone holding up? Did they decide what to do with her house?" (REALLY?!?)
"You'll see her again one day." (I know that... but we want her here NOW.)
Those are just a few incredibly ridiculous statements people have made either to me or my mom in the past 2 weeks. I'm sure other's have said things to my cousins or brother. I should chat with them and compare comments. I'm sure that would give us a tickle... or make us want to take a ball bat to their faces.
Then there are people who just don't console you at all. They don't offer any encouraging words of advice, no "I'm sorry", not even an acknowledgement that someone in your family died. OR, they ask about other family members, besides you. Because, well, obviously I was just her niece and I don't really matter, right? (You think I'm making this up. I wish I were.) But, it's true:
When a grandparent dies: "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry."
When a parent dies: "I cannot imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry."
When a sibling dies: "Oh my gosh, sugar, that's so tragic. I'm sorry!"
But...
When an aunt/uncle dies: (crickets chirping) "Oh, I'm sorry."
See what I mean?
Props to my brother for those comparisons. I can't take credit for that.
I'm just irritated. I like to try to make sense out of unexpected, unexplainable events such as these, but, a lot of times I just can't. There are no words, there are no explanations, there are no reasons for why things like this happen. They just happen. And it sucks.
So, this is what I do when I'm irritated about something. I write. Some exercise, some read, some play music. I write. And it helps, really. Plus, it was one of my Aunt Marilyn's passions, and if I can carry on her legacy through my writing, then that's what I'll do.
Take this as a bit of advice, folks. When someone dies, all you have to do is say, "I'm so sorry. Your family is in my thoughts/prayers." That's it. No more. No less.
Death sucks.
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