handling life.

I don't think I've ever felt more overwhelmed in my entire life.

I take that back. Senior year of college and planning our wedding in 1 month were both pretty chaotic. Other than that, being a military spouse is hands down the most overwhelming experience I've ever endured.

Kyle is gone this entire week, training. He will come back Friday night, be home for the weekend, then leave again next week for Quantico, Virginia for 12 days (or more). I think he will be home for the first 2 weeks of February, and then he will leave for Cuba for 3 months.

I keep saying that I will deal with the anxiety once he leaves. My main reason is I don't want the next few weeks to just be a dreadful time for us. Someone once said, "If you go to the beach and it's beautiful on Saturday, but you know that Sunday is going to rain like hell, are you going to let it ruin the already beautiful day or are you going to go enjoy it?" It's a good comparison. Why would I let the next few weeks be doom and gloom when I can do that once Kyle leaves?

I don't think any military spouse can prepare themselves for the separation, no matter how long that separation may be. Then, when you reach out to people, or take to social media. Not necessarily to complain, but to ask for encouragement or prayers, you'll get the snide, crude remarks from people who don't know how to keep their mouth shut... "Well, you knew what you were doing when you married him." "You signed up for this." "These next few days (months, years, etc.) will be over before you know it!" It's like some people think that military spouses deserve the heartache because we married into the military. The way some people think....

Shut. Up. Just shut up.

I did not sign up for this. I did not swear in to the Marine Corps. I did not attend basic training. I signed up for Kyle. Way before the Marines were ever in his plans. Ironically, I can remember saying that I would never be a military wife. I remember saying that to Kyle when he joked about joining the military. I basically told him that it was me or the military... take his pick.

That was a joke. I knew that I would never give up on Kyle because he wanted to do something with his life. To be someone. To accomplish something in life.


So, yes. I knew that I was going to be separated from him. But, how do you prepare your heart, mind and soul for that? You can't. You cannot do it. Even the military spouses who have gone thru dozens of deployments say that they never get easier. You just slowly learn to deal with it. To accept it.

I can get thru 3 months. I don't know how I am going to get thru 7 months. I suppose a lot of grace and mercy are going to be handed to me over the next year and a half. That's honestly all I can ask for. Other than the good Lord above, I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do 2014.

No. Freaking. Clue.

First of many.

Tonight is the first of many nights alone ahead of me.

This week Kyle's platoon is "in the field". Basically meaning they are training and won't be coming home at night. He left early this morning and won't be back until Friday afternoon.

This sucks.

I've tried to tell myself that it's only 4 full days without him, I will be fine. But, after finally being together for 2 months straight. Sleeping in the same bed, doing husband and wife stuff, eating dinner together at night. Now, all of a sudden he leaves, it's sort of like a smack in the face.

Unfortunately, come February (13th or 14th), Kyle will leave for Cuba for 3 months. So, I need to get acclimated to being alone at night. during the day.

all. the. time.

I'm proud of Kyle every single day of my life. But, sometimes his job seriously sucks.

Home.

Last weekend I had the opportunity to go home and visit family. My nephew was born about a month ago, and I have been itching to finally meet him since then. I chose to go before Thanksgiving so that Kyle and I could spend Thanksgiving together. He could have come home with me, but we really wouldn't have had much time at home. Plus, flights ain't cheap. We wanted to save our money for Christmas.

I flew home early Saturday morning and was at my brother's house in Temple by 9:30am. I finally got to meet sweet little Everett! He truly is a bundle of love. He just made me feel good...as strange as that sounds. It's magical how babies can make you feel, the emotions that emerge when you hold one that is close to you. Holding a new life in your hands makes you understand how precious life is and how often we take it for granted.

That day was awesome. But, as the day passed and I spent more time in my mom's home an unsettling feeling came over me. And, by that evening I was in tears. At first I couldn't explain why. I wasn't sure if I was just missing Kyle, or if it was emotions from seeing Everett. I slowly started to understand that it was a mixture of a lot of things. The main thing being that my home was no longer "my home". Virginia was my home, my place of residence. I no longer live in Carrollton. And, I'm not sure it fully hit me until I walked into my room that is no longer "my room". The walls are bare, the feeling of it being my sanctuary is gone, and the overall atmosphere has completely changed.

It broke me in two. To come "home" to a room that doesn't look or feel the same was really, really tough. Don't get me wrong, (mom, I know you're reading this) - I fully enjoyed the time I spent in Georgia. I loved being able to see my nephew, brother, and sister in law. Being able to go to a church that felt like "home" was awesome, getting to see the Christmas tree being put up was nice as well.

But, I felt a little more complete when I got to Virginia. No, it's not Georgia. It's not the south. It's not my mom's house. It's not my old room that I adored. I'm 10 hours from "home". But, I was with my husband and my sweet dog. And, that is home for me now. That is a hard acceptance that I have slowly made over the past few days.

After Kyle got home from work last night we talked about my visit and I told him how much I missed him. He teased me about it and said that I didn't miss him, yada, yada, yada. The usual hard time that Kyle always gives me when I'm trying to be sweet. I then teared up as we were talking and he asked what was wrong. I told him that he didn't realize how hard it was for me when I went home. He hugged me and we talked a little more about how everything went and he said, "Well, home is where the heart is, and I know our hearts are in Georgia, but for now, this is our home."

A huge piece of us will always be in Georgia... and no place that we ever live will ever feel like Georgia. But, we have to create a new normal... and that new normal is in Virginia.

Virginia.

It's been over 3 months since I took the time to sit down and write. At this moment, I'm sitting on our couch. "Moneyball" is on TV. Drake is sprawled out below my feet. And, Kyle is sound asleep on the loveseat. This is our Friday night and it suits me just fine.

In the past 3 months...actually, life was pretty normal until October 18th when Kyle called me and said he was coming home for the weekend to move me to Virginia.

Yeah. *cue the curve ball being thrown my way.*

We knew that they would be sending Kyle down to help move our belongings to Virginia before November. But, I was hoping for some sort of heads up - a phone call 2 weeks in advance, perhaps.

*Now, cue the Marine Corps laughing in my face.*

They literally told Kyle at 3:30pm October 18th (Friday) that he was clear to go home for the weekend to help me move. He flew home that day and I picked him up around 8pm that night. We had a "calm before the storm day" the next day (Saturday). Sunday after church, we picked up the moving truck and began packing things in. Luckily, I had already began boxing up most of our belongings back in September. Plus, we didn't have much. No furniture besides my bedroom furniture to go in the guest room and the dining room table & chairs I bought off Craigslist. Other than that, it was all boxes of stuff.

Monday was really, really, really difficult. I cried off and on throughout the day. Saying goodbye to my sister in law (who was pregnant at the time) was hard because I knew that I wouldn't be in town for the birth of my brother's first child. That was a hard realization to accept.

Tuesday morning at 5:15 my alarm clock went off and there was an immediate hole in my stomach from the agony I was about to endure. My mom and step dad woke up shortly after we did and I could see my mom's sad, red face. She had already been crying that morning. I held it together fairly well. But, when my mom hugged Kyle and told him, "You have to take care of her. I've taken care of her for 23 years... you promise me you'll take care of her." I had to walk away to avoid a breakdown. (Now I'm crying.)

Mom held it together after that. I didn't do a lot of hugging because I knew if I did I would lose it. I tried to keep a smile on my face and fight through the tears. I told her I would call her in a few hours and that I would see her soon. That was my way of not acknowledging what was happening.

Once we passed South Carolina and my itunes shuffle started playing sad songs, I teared up. But, I honestly blocked a lot of the sadness out. I was trying to not let myself feel, I guess. I had to drive Kyle's big truck, and I wanted to concentrate without having tears in my eyes.

I was so excited once we finally got to our apartment. Our first home together. Those first few days here were exhausting. We woke up early and went to bed late. Setting things up, furniture shopping, and little home improvement projects. I finally caught up on some sleep Thursday night, only to be woken by a phone call from my mom at 6am. I knew what it was.

Allison (my sister in law) was in labor.

I said hello, my mom said my name to me like she always does when I answer the phone. And I said, "Allison is in labor isn't she?" My mom then proceeded to tell me that her water broke the night before and they were at the hospital.

About an hour and a half later, my nephew was born.  I was so excited and happy for my brother & Allison. So grateful that she and Everett were both healthy and all was well. But, my heart ached that I wasn't there to rejoice in his birth. My brother called me around 11/12 that morning/afternoon and we talked for about 30 minutes and it made me feel a lot better. I started getting picture after picture of him and each one felt and still feels like a present I open on Christmas morning.

A lot of people have asked how our move went. Overall, I'd say it went pretty well. The worst thing was not having furniture for 9 days, but we still had my bedroom furniture, so we had something to sleep on. Other than that, it went great.

Virginia sure ain't Georgia, but it reminds me a little of Georgia - the landscaping, the environment and the overall feel of our location in Virginia Beach. The people here aren't quite as friendly and "southernly" as Georgians are...and I miss that. I miss the southern accents. I can't tell you how many times my accent has been brought up in conversation.

As far as my employment/job search- I'm not going to get a teaching job, at least until next school year. There really weren't any openings once I moved up here. So, I went to care.com to see if any families were in need of a full time nanny. I met with a couple of families from care.com and they just didn't feel like a good fit, so I branched my search to sittercity.com and had some luck! I met with a family a little over a week ago and they offered me a full time nanny position (4 days a week- 34 hours a week) for their 1.5 year old boy. They're a sweet family from what I can tell. I start December 2nd! I'm really excited to finally pull my weight and contribute to our "household". Not to mention, it will be a way for me to get out of this apartment during the day. And, I have Fridays off...who doesn't love a 3 day weekend?

Kyle's job has been going well. This past week he has worked 12+ hour days. He wakes up at 5am to be at work at 6am. It's about a 20-25 minute drive from our apartment to the base in Norfolk. This week he hasn't been home before 6:30. He's been worn out every night.

We've really enjoyed cooking and goofing off together. We haven't done much exploring yet. We haven't really had a chance to because we've been so busy setting up our apartment and putting things where we want them, organizing closets and storage areas. This weekend will finally be a relaxing weekend that we don't have anything on our to-do list. Kyle mentioned taking Drake to the beach (which is literally 5 minutes from our place).

Be looking out for pictures of our apartment on Facebook and Instagram. I could go ahead and post pictures of what we have set up now, but I'm a little weird and want to wait until all pictures/wall decorations are hung up. :) It's exciting to have a place that you can call your own.

But, home will always be in Georgia.

Time to catch up!

 Whew. I can finally breathe. What a busy couple of months it has been! 

For those of you who didn't already know. Kyle was allowed to come home for 30 days. He was home for almost the entire month of July. We finally had our beautiful wedding and he was even here for my birthday! Perfect timing.

There is a lot for me to talk about. So, I'll just start from the beginning.

Kyle came home June 27th. Many people thought he just got 30 days off, but that isn't exactly how RA (recruiter's assistance) works. Kyle came home because his training was postponed due to not enough trainers/teachers to lead Kyle's classes. Kyle was in Virginia for an entire month basically not doing anything but PT (physical training/working out) every now and then. So, his superiors finally gained some brain cells and decided to allow Kyle's platoon to have RA. They could only have 30 days. Kyle and I planned it so that it would give me at least 1 month to plan a wedding (more on that later). So, Kyle came home and was off on the weekends. He reported in Monday morning and learned that his job every day was to gather referrals (guys/girls ages 17-20 are ideal) for the recruiters to call and schedule interviews to see if they're interested in joining the Marines. Basically- Kyle is the guy who walks out on the lot when you're looking at new cars. He talks you into buying the new car, and instead of doing paper work and all the financial aspects of buying a new car, he sends you to his boss who takes care of that. Does that make sense? He actually did really well! He was to get 2 referrals a day, which sounds really difficult. But, when you're Kyle and you have the personality of a bulldog (a sweet, but stern bull dog) you're pretty much set. And, luckily for Kyle, the recruiter he worked under in Carrollton was incredible and allowed him to leave early if he had his 2 referrals for the day. Kyle, being the smart man that he is, had a brilliant idea. About 3 nights a week Kyle would go to Walmart, or any other shopping center and be a car salesman. We all know teenagers like to hang out at shopping centers at night. Prime time for Kyle to work his magic. He would get his 2 referrals, go home, go to work the next morning, turn the referrals in, and basically be done by lunch time. I was SO thankful for that.

Enough about Kyle and his harassing talents.

I PLANNED (and succeeded in planning) A WEDDING IN 38 DAYS!

Yeah, I said that right. I can't believe it myself to be honest. It was a pretty difficult process. Lots of tears and headaches, and some arguments. But, all in all, it was a beautiful day. Luckily, I already had a very good idea of what I wanted - flowers, venue, photographer, already had my wedding gown, catering was pretty easy to narrow down. The "bigger" things were taken care of. I went straight to etsy.com for all of the behind the scenes stuff.

Things I bought on etsy.com for the wedding:

garters
wedding cake topper
flower girl dresses
flower girl's gifts (personalized pearl bracelets)
Drake's bow tie
the robe I wore as I got ready
wedding koozies (favors)
a plaque I used as decoration

And everything turned out incredible. The flower girl dresses even came from Finland! How cool?! The koozies were a hit with everyone, as was Drake's bow tie collar. The cake topper matched the cake perfectly, and the garters... OMG. Precious. Kyle got a kick out of them. The robe is precious. I've worn it a few times since the wedding as I get out of the shower and get ready. The plaque I bought will definitely be used in our future home. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty impressed with how quickly me (with the help of my mom, sister in law, and friends) pulled this wedding off. So, TOOT, TOOT. 

*If you have any questions regarding our wedding - any questions at all, please feel free to ask.*


I really feel married now. We were legally married March 13th of this year, but it didn't really sink in until our wedding had taken place. We never said our vows the day we got legally married, so I think that is probably why. I have my wedding band, and I have a new last name - that I haven't legally changed yet... I'm procrastinating that. I'm so excited to truly call Kyle my husband now. It's one of the best feelings in the world, to be married. That probably sounds strange. But, to know how loved you are by someone other than your mom, dad, etc. feels so incredible. And to love someone with every fiber of your being! I seriously cannot explain it.

With every hello, there has to be a goodbye. And, it was really hard to do. Kyle left to go back to Virginia last Sunday (July 28th). Our plan was to try to get me to go through security with Kyle so that we could seriously cherish every last moment we had before he got on the plane. We were told by a few that they would allow it for military families, and we were told they wouldn't allow it, period. Can't hurt to ask. So, we did. And, it is true- only for military families. I got a gate pass, had to show my military ID, went through security, and spend about another 30 minutes with Kyle. We were both a mess. But, we're pretty used to separation more than we're used to being together. Plus, we know when we'll see each other again and we're SO very excited for that date to finally get here.

I really feel like I soaked up every moment I was with Kyle. We cannot wait until Labor Day weekend! (that's the next time we'll see each other, if you hadn't already figured that out.)


P.S: Not sure if you noticed or not, but, I had to change the name of my blog again. I was searching through military spouses blogs and found one that had the same as my old one (the ramblings of a marine wife). So, I searched "married to the marines" and luckily, it wasn't taken!

turning a page

Each year as Father's Day emerges, this grey cloud sort of follows me around. I become irritated quickly and just all around gloomy.

My relationship with my dad has always been a roller coaster. When I was in middle school/high school it was an okay relationship - we'd talk, I'd go see him on the occasional weekend, etc. Then, as I got older, things about my parent's divorce became clearer to me and I began to try to figure my dad out... which was a huge mistake. I wanted to understand why he did the things that he did, why he left Jeremy and I. Okay, so you're not happy with your marriage, but why punish your kids for that? I never could figure that out - until I realized that it wasn't me, it wasn't anything that I had done, and I couldn't change him or the way he behaves.

So, I got over it - it took me a couple of years, but I got over it. With a few counseling sessions, lots of tears, and the unconditional love that Kyle gave me when he came into my life, I started to understand things a little more.

Believe it or not, I started to understand my dad more. I realized there was a lot of immaturity within him that he will probably never be rid of. Don't get me wrong, my dad is smart. Probably one of the smartest men I know - but not when it comes to life lessons. And that's okay. I'm not angry at him for that. Like I said, I'm past it. I'm past the hurt. And, I love my dad... I always will.

But (of course there is a "but"), Father's Day isn't a good day for me. It isn't a day that I click my heels together from excitement. I don't go to church on Father's Day - I did this a few years ago, and I'll never do it again. I try to stay off of social media to avoid seeing people's pictures of them with their dad. I basically make a sorry attempt at pretending the day isn't honoring Fathers.

Yesterday, I called my dad. We casually talked - nothing monumental happened. I actually think he was shocked that I called. And that was my Father's Day... or so I thought.

Kyle's grandparents invited me to come down to their house and have a late lunch and go fishing in their catfish pond on their farm. Their house/farm is one of my favorite places to be. It's the epitome of tranquil. It's also where we shot our engagement pictures. :)

So, I went, hesitantly. Like I said, I didn't want to even acknowledge the day. But, how can I turn down Kyle's sweet grandparents? Exactly, I can't. I got down there, we ate sandwiches and chips, drank cold sweet tea, and Mawmaw's heavenly peach cobbler. Then, as the heat began to calm down, we went down to the pond and sat in some patio chairs while Kyle's sister, her husband, and their 2 kids caught a dozen+ catfish (I caught one as well). I sat beside Kyle's pawpaw as he cracked jokes left and right. We laughed so much. At one point I caught myself laughing my extremely loud laugh, that hasn't come out in a while. It was nice to let lose and actually enjoy Father's Day for once.

I realized after I left how much I really didn't want to go down there to begin with - but how glad I was that I did. It's so nice to see yourself make improvements over time.

Kyle's sweet Pawpaw and I sitting on the back of Kyle's old Toyota. We were coming back from the pond.

My 1lb. catfish! I was pretty excited. :)

time for a confession

Up until about a year ago, I could eat what I wanted, as much as I wanted. Oddly enough, when Kyle entered basic training I began to gain weight. I didn't gain much in the 3 months he was away, but since he has been home I feel like I have gained 20 pounds. When I stepped on the scale (a.k.a the devil) Friday morning, I got a wake up call.

It read: 161 lbs. 

One hundred and sixty one pounds?!

I wanted to cry and scream at the same time. I was/am so angry at myself for letting my body get the way it is. I immediately went to Pinterest and looked at my "Fitness" board to see what I could start doing that wasn't completely unrealistic.

Back in July/August of last year I started doing the Insanity program. It gave me energy, made me feel good, didn't necessarily made me lose weight, but I wasn't necessarily trying to lose weight. I just wanted to get toned and more fit. Then I had my appendectomy and wasn't really able to work out comfortably for about 2 weeks. After that, I never started it again.

Damn appendix. 

I think my biggest motivation is this: the other day I was reading an article in Cosmopolitan magazine. It was about women who struggle with the thought of infertility. It read that 87% of women ages 18-30 (I think) fear they will have fertility problems when they start trying to have children. It had a section at the end that talked about what women (and their partners) can do to help prevent infertility. The one that stood out: eat healthy. 

And, well, let me be honest: I really like french fries and chicken nuggets from Wendy's. It's my weakness.

So, when I read those two words I told myself, "Self, we gotta have a chat." Then I gave myself a pep talk and decided that it was time to start doing better. I'm 22 almost 23 and I put some of the nastiest, greasiest foods in my body. I realized I was doing so much harm to my body. Then I apologized to my body. 

I'm not 125 lbs. anymore like I was in high school. My thighs touch (which I don't really have a problem with), my butt wobbles, my arms even have a little jiggle to them. But my belly. UGH. When I get naked at night to take a bath and look at myself in the mirror, I can't even look at my belly. My stomach was as flat as a piece of paper in high school, even in my first couple of years of college. I won't lie, I was almost sickly looking in high school. I'm glad I have meat on my bones now... but I have too much meat.

I'm not comfortable with being 20 lbs. heavier than my husband. In my defense, Kyle is like 5'7'' and works out. So, that's one reason he's only 135-140 lbs. Not to mention he can go all day and only eat 1 meal. I swear he is from another universe.

So, operation lost 10-15 lbs. began this morning with a mile walk through the Little Tallapoosa Park about 1/2 mile away from my house. I drank a breakfast shake this morning and then ate a good lunch and dinner. I have my Camelback water bottle that holds about 20 oz. of water. I plan on trying to drink at least 4 full bottles a day. I plan on doing an ab workout and an arm workout every day, and walking/running every day as well. Those are my main target areas right now, and where I see the most weight/fat has gone in the past few months.

Fruits, veggies, and 100 calorie snacks are going to be a part of my every day diet. I'm sure there will be a time that I want to go through the red headed freckled face girl's drive thru (Wendy's), but I'm going to remind myself of my goals and try to keep my eye on the prize.