I already know the kind of mother that I want to be to my children one day. I know this because I have had a marvelous example of how a mother should treat her children. Thanks, Mama.
Maybe when I get older and I actually become a mom my thoughts on parenthood will, in fact, change. But, as of this moment I know several things that I do want to do and several things I don't want to do when that joyful, precious gift from above comes into my life.
Do's:
- Talk to your children. You're probably thinking, "Well, duh." I don't mean just every day chit chat. I mean be real with your kids. Have such a strong relationship that you're able to talk to them about almost everything. Obviously when they're toddlers and even elementary/middle school the conversations may not be as in depth as those you may have when they get older. But, I think communication is key in any relationship. I can recall having numerous conversations with my mom and brother when I was growing up. We would sit in my mom's bedroom hours on end just talking about anything. Sometimes the talks were light hearted, other times they were deep and very heavy. Talking with your children will help you understand them and help them understand you.
- Forgive. Children say really hurtful things. My mom has told me things I said to her when I was in high school and she seriously should have washed my mouth out with soap. She told me (many years later) that she cried herself to sleep one night that I yelled at her in front of my friends. She didn't know what to do. But, after many apologies, she forgave me. The whole saying "forgive and forget" is totally bull. You may forget the exact words a person used to hurt you, but you will never forget how the words made you feel. I think the saying really means to forgive the person and not bring the incident up again. Forgiveness is key to moving on and strengthening a relationship.
- Let them make mistakes. A lot of parents want to keep their child from ever stumbling and making an "uh oh". I understand protecting your kid, that's a natural feeling to have. But, when kids get older, they tend to not listen to anything (and I mean anything) a parent will tell them. No matter how hard you try, sometimes they're just going to get it wrong. Afterwards, they will probably come crying to you and telling you how they should have listened. This is NOT when you say, "I told you so" or "You should have listened to me" or "I tried to tell you". Who really wants to hear that? Just comfort them, and let them know that yes, they did fall, but they can still get back up. Help them understand how to NOT make the same mistake twice. That's when they will really feel stupid.
- Be a role model. I look at my mom and I think, "Wow... I hope I can be exactly like her one day." I definitely wouldn't have said that 5 years ago, but I was also 16 and a total moron. I admire her for so many reasons. In the past 3 years I've really noticed her good qualities. Maybe it is because I'm going to be a wife soon and I pay attention to how she treats my step dad, and how they handle "grown up" issues. Maybe it is just because I'm getting older and smarter. Either way, my mom is awesome. Why? Here are some reasons:
1. She is so giving and generous of her time and her talents. She should probably say no more often, but that's the kind of person she is. Always willing to help others and serve where it's needed.
2. She's an extremely hard worker. She was a kick ass single mom and took extremely good care of my brother and I.
3. She has dedicated her life to her family. She has really become "the anchor" of our family. She holds it together and then loses it behind closed doors.
4. She loves and I mean loves the Lord. She sings at church and sometimes a song will get her so emotional that she will get choked up when she's singing. I'm not sure if it's happy tears, sad tears, or a a mixture of both. But, I know she loves having a relationship with Jesus.
5. She gives incredible advice and always knows exactly what to say. My brother and I always turn to her for help. She knows how to handle any situation so eloquently.
Those are just a few reasons why I admire her so much and ultimately why I am the way I am.
Now, onto the Don'ts:
- Use harsh words. Cussing your kid out won't get you anywhere. In fact, all it will do is make them lose respect for you and throw your relationship even further down the drain. Sure, you're going to let a "damn" "hell" "shit" "bitch" slip every now and then, and that's okay. Your kids also need to understand that you are human and that you may not always choose the best words to express your feelings. BUT, dropping the F bomb every time you get angry at them will not sit well in their minds. When you talk like this to or in front of your child and you're surprised that your kids are cussing their friends out, or even you out, blame yourself for that one.
- Run away. It doesn't do any good. So many parents turn their heads from the problems they have with their children. They shut the door and ignore it. Wait for it to get better. You really think a 16 year old kid can solve a problem like that on their own? This is where you as a parent have to step up and help. This is where the talking comes in. Brushing a problem under the rug is the worst thing you can do. No, your kid may not want to talk about whatever situation is going on, but you will regret not addressing the issue. Always be there for your kid, even when it may make you feel uncomfortable or you don't know the words to say. Just listen.
- Be a loud person. I describe people who are abrasive, in your face, or haughty as "loud" people. You know when you walk by someone who takes your breath away because they have too much perfume/cologne on? You make a "something smells" face, squinch your eyes, and wrinkle your nose and you hurry up to get away from the stentch. That's how "loud" people make me feel. Don't be a loud parent. Don't smother your kids and make them feel claustrophobic. Especially when they get older. Also, don't be someone that your kids don't want to bring their friends (or better yet their girlfriend/boyfriend) around because they're afraid of what you'll say in front of them, or how you'll act. It's not a good quality to have. It makes people think, "God, I'd hate to have a parent like that."
- Be selfish. When you have kids, I feel like life should officially be focused on parenting and raising your kids to be respectable people. Of course, you need "you time" and date night, etc. But, as far as selfish tendencies- throw them out the window. It's not about you anymore. This really needs no further explanation.
So, there you have it. What I will and won't do when I become a Mama. Who influenced these do's and don'ts? Well obviously my mom influenced the do's. Who taught me what not to do?
I'll never tell. :)
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