time for a confession

Up until about a year ago, I could eat what I wanted, as much as I wanted. Oddly enough, when Kyle entered basic training I began to gain weight. I didn't gain much in the 3 months he was away, but since he has been home I feel like I have gained 20 pounds. When I stepped on the scale (a.k.a the devil) Friday morning, I got a wake up call.

It read: 161 lbs. 

One hundred and sixty one pounds?!

I wanted to cry and scream at the same time. I was/am so angry at myself for letting my body get the way it is. I immediately went to Pinterest and looked at my "Fitness" board to see what I could start doing that wasn't completely unrealistic.

Back in July/August of last year I started doing the Insanity program. It gave me energy, made me feel good, didn't necessarily made me lose weight, but I wasn't necessarily trying to lose weight. I just wanted to get toned and more fit. Then I had my appendectomy and wasn't really able to work out comfortably for about 2 weeks. After that, I never started it again.

Damn appendix. 

I think my biggest motivation is this: the other day I was reading an article in Cosmopolitan magazine. It was about women who struggle with the thought of infertility. It read that 87% of women ages 18-30 (I think) fear they will have fertility problems when they start trying to have children. It had a section at the end that talked about what women (and their partners) can do to help prevent infertility. The one that stood out: eat healthy. 

And, well, let me be honest: I really like french fries and chicken nuggets from Wendy's. It's my weakness.

So, when I read those two words I told myself, "Self, we gotta have a chat." Then I gave myself a pep talk and decided that it was time to start doing better. I'm 22 almost 23 and I put some of the nastiest, greasiest foods in my body. I realized I was doing so much harm to my body. Then I apologized to my body. 

I'm not 125 lbs. anymore like I was in high school. My thighs touch (which I don't really have a problem with), my butt wobbles, my arms even have a little jiggle to them. But my belly. UGH. When I get naked at night to take a bath and look at myself in the mirror, I can't even look at my belly. My stomach was as flat as a piece of paper in high school, even in my first couple of years of college. I won't lie, I was almost sickly looking in high school. I'm glad I have meat on my bones now... but I have too much meat.

I'm not comfortable with being 20 lbs. heavier than my husband. In my defense, Kyle is like 5'7'' and works out. So, that's one reason he's only 135-140 lbs. Not to mention he can go all day and only eat 1 meal. I swear he is from another universe.

So, operation lost 10-15 lbs. began this morning with a mile walk through the Little Tallapoosa Park about 1/2 mile away from my house. I drank a breakfast shake this morning and then ate a good lunch and dinner. I have my Camelback water bottle that holds about 20 oz. of water. I plan on trying to drink at least 4 full bottles a day. I plan on doing an ab workout and an arm workout every day, and walking/running every day as well. Those are my main target areas right now, and where I see the most weight/fat has gone in the past few months.

Fruits, veggies, and 100 calorie snacks are going to be a part of my every day diet. I'm sure there will be a time that I want to go through the red headed freckled face girl's drive thru (Wendy's), but I'm going to remind myself of my goals and try to keep my eye on the prize.

a strange realization

Each year, as Memorial Day or Veterans Day passes by, I always think about the families that those days actually apply to. When my Pawpaw was still alive, we would honor him on Veterans Day, but other than that, we never had any family or friends that had served or were serving, much less someone who had been killed serving our country.

So, as yesterday came and went, I was in constant reminder of how those holidays apply to me now. I am a spouse to a Marine. I am a military wife. 

*Let me just say, it's really weird saying that.*

I don't think the "military wife" realization has hit me quite yet. With Kyle being several states away and us not living together, I don't even feel married. I'm sure once he is stationed and I am with him, experiencing military life daily, that feeling will change. 

I'm very honored to be married to a United States Marine - one of the few and the proud. It's an honor that I never, and I mean never thought that I would have. If someone had asked me 5 years ago who I imagined spending my life with, where we would be living, what our careers would be... none of my answers would have involved the military. Quite honestly, I never thought I would marry someone like Kyle. He pushes me to become a better person. He challenges me in ways I don't like to be challenged. I still wonder why he ever gave me a chance.

Now and forevermore, I will feel a stronger connection to Memorial Day, Veterans Day, and even July 4th. The stars and stripes mean so much more to me than I ever thought they would.

A walk in my shoes

I've know I've only been a "Marine Wife" for almost 3 months now, so I know what I am about to type is going to cause some eye rolling. Oh well.

I have been on this military journey with Kyle since February of 2012. He signed his enlistment papers July 13, 2012 and left for Basic Training December 10, 2012. Since December 10, 2012, I have seen my now husband probably a total of 14 days- counting the 2 days we saw him for basic training graduation, the 10 days he was home for leave, and the 1 1/2 days I saw him last month when I went to visit him in North Carolina. Almost 6 months have passed and I've seen him a total of 14 days.

So, though I've only been a "Marine Wife" for 3 months, I know a thing or two about separation from a loved one.

Here are a few things that become that much more special when your better half is away: 

*Phone calls: when Kyle's picture comes up on my phone, no matter if I just talked to him 5 minutes prior, I get excited. Hearing his voice is all I have. It's the best connection we have. The duration of the calls may only be 2 minutes, or they could be a long, good talk that lasts 30 minutes. Nevertheless, each call is vital to our daily routine. I don't feel like my day has ended well if I haven't spoken with him.

*Texts: little texts throughout the day can instantly change my entire mood for the day. I'll never forget the first time Kyle was able to text me during the day. I had my phone in my hand, sitting on the couch and my text tone went off. I looked down and it said, "Kyle ICE" (ICE meaning, "in case of emergency"....it's always good to be proactive and let emergency personnel know who to contact). I was immediately overwhelmed with excitement. I quickly text him back, because I knew that he was only able to cut his phone off for maybe 1 minute to send me that text, but I wanted him to get one from me, too.

*Pictures/Facetime: I'll text Kyle sometimes and tell him to send me a picture of him, and when asks why (he hates taking pictures) I will say, "Because I want one, duh." I like to see him every now and then, to know he is okay, even though he is texting/calling me, it's nice to actually see him. I try to send him a picture every day, but sometimes the pictures feel like a broken record: picture of me smiling, picture of Drake doing something stupid, picture of me making Drake take a picture with me, picture of something I'm eating, etc. Facetime is one of the best inventions ever. It's just like Skype, but for the iPhone. Unfortunately, we're not able to Facetime every day because it requires you to be conntected to wifi, and 9 times out of 10, Kyle isn't connected to wifi. So, when we are able to Facetime, it's AWESOME.

Here are some things that really suck about being a military wife:

*Not ever really knowing if Kyle is OK: Yeah, he'll send me a good morning text every morning, and typically call me at night for a few minutes. But, throughout the day, I have no idea what he does, where he is, how to get in touch with him. Nothing. I envy those of you who get to check in with your better half throughout the day to just say, "Hey!"

*Not being able to make a schedule: Throw control out the window. If you're OCD and need to always be in charge of your life. You couldn't be a military spouse. Well, you could... but you'd have to let go of A LOT of things in your life. We're never in control of our future. We never know when we'll see each other again or where he is going next. Ever. I'm sure you could say, "Yeah, after I get off work I'm going to go by the grocery store and pick up some things to make dinner. So, I should be home by about 5:30. Will you be home when I get there?" You'll probably get a response like, "Yeah, honey. I'll be there." Even once Kyle is stationed somewhere and I'm with him... I will probably never know when he will be home. There will probably be days when he won't even know if he'll be coming home.

*Being lonely: Lonesomeness haunts me sometimes. It lingers over me like a shadow. It hurts. I find myself saying, "I wish...." a lot. I wish I was with Kyle. I wish Kyle was here. I wish Kyle had our own place. I wish Kyle weren't so far away. Loneliness wouldn't be so tough if I knew when I would see Kyle again. It would give me a count down- something to look forward to.

Being a military newlywed is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. Since Kyle and I got married, we've seen each other a total of 6 days. It's been excruciatingly difficult for both of us to be away from each other. I'd give anything if I could just spend one day out of the month with Kyle.

So, the next time you catch yourself thinking, "Gosh, I wish I just had one day to myself." Think about the military wives/husbands who spend about 9 months to a year by themselves because their spouse is deployed overseas. Never take the love you have for your better half for granted. Never skip out on a chance to hold their hand, put your arm around them, kiss them, hug them, etc. There are so many people in the world who would give up everything they had in order to just spend a few hours with their husband/wife. Be grateful - and always count your blessings.

the best snack in the 90's

Anyone remember Dunkaroos? Let me refresh your memory:

Remember? If not, you truly missed out during your childhood. I can no longer find these bad boys anywhere. I don't know if they stopped making them or what. Maybe they're only available in certain states... who knows. They were delicious though. When searching for this image, I clicked the source for the image by accident and stumbled across Ebay. So, I guess people are buying them somewhere if they're selling them online.

Well, a friend of mine on Facebook somehow came across a recipe for the "dip" you dip the cookies in. She shared it on Facebook the other day and I was so curious I went out and bought the ingredients that day. So, I shall share it with you.

I bought the following. I'm a little bit cheap and went with the Publix brand instead of buying Cool Whip for like $3 or $4, Yoplait yogurt for probably $3-$5 and the better brand of animal crackers for probably $2-4. I bought everything for under $8.

All I did was put the cake mix, whipped topping, and plain yogurt into a medium to large size mixing bowl and stir until it seemed to be blended fairly well. It seriously took like 3-4 minutes for me to do. I used the whole tub of whipped cream and the whole box of cake mix. I didn't use the entire tub of yogurt. I didn't realize how disgusting plain yogurt is. I only put about 1 1/2 cups in the bowl. I think my friend used 2 cups, but I couldn't stomach the bitter taste it left in my mouth. The yogurt sort of counteracts the sweet taste of the cake mix and the whipped cream, so I understand why that is a part of the ingredients.

This is what the dip looked liked after I mixed it all together. 

 

 

 

 

So, my review. From what I can remember, this tastes almost exactly like Dunkaroos. I haven't had them in a long time, but I do remember how much I loved them. Mom didn't buy them very often because, well, lets face it: vanilla frosting and graham cookies isn't exactly the healthiest snack. You could switch it up and dip apples in it, I suppose.

So, if you're in the mood for a sweet, easy-to-make snack, this does the trick pretty well.

Dunkaroos lives on, folks.

Oh baby, baby

Kyle and I were talking about baby names last night on the phone. My brother and sister in law are pregnant with their first child and have been talking about baby names for a while now. I told Kyle what the girl's name will be, but I'm not sure if they've decided on a boy's name. Kyle said he thinks Allison (my sister in law) is going to have a girl... I still have no idea what makes him think that. He said he's psychic. ;) None of us care what it will be as long as he/she is healthy. We're just so excited to add to our (small) family!

After Kyle and I talked, I got to thinking about baby names and what I would want to name our child (one day). He said Ruthie Mae... I just laughed. He was kidding, thank God.

I like these names for girls (in no particular order):
Lydia
Sophia (call her Sophie)
Anna
Hallie (this name could be the victim of problem #2- see below)
Hannah

I like these names for boys (in no particular order):
Samuel (call him Sam)
Benjamin (call him Ben)
Ian
Will
Gavin

 Here is my checklist for naming my (future) child:

1. The name cannot remind me of anyone I don't like. I don't want to call my kid's name and have some douche bag's face in the back of my head. I know that my child will be able to provide a new definition of that name for me. But, I still wouldn't name he or she the same name as my ex(es), Kyle's ex, or any of our not-so-favorite-people.

2. The name cannot be difficult to pronounce. My child is going to be in school for 12+ years. I'm not going to choose some ridiculous name that their teacher or classmates can't pronounce. Like Kira... is it Ke-ee-ra or Ky-yy-ra? And no matter how many times they tell someone how to pronounce it, that someone will (9 times out of 10) say it the opposite way. I had a friend in college whose name is Kyra and she had this problem in our classes.

3. The name cannot be difficult to spell. Sometimes, the spelling of one's name can be a do or die situation. When your child is going through testing time in school and they have an answer sheet or booklet with their name, and oops! There is a random "e" on the end of their name- that could screw them up. Or, you decided to be super duper creative and spell your child's name "Marq" instead of "Mark". You're not creative, you're just weird... and you just made your child's life very, very difficult. Names that end with the "ey" or "ie" sound ALWAYS get spelled differently. Kellie, Kelly, Kelley. See where I'm going with this?

While I'm on the spelling of names... my name is spelled RachEL, people. Not Racheal or Rachael. People on Facebook misspell my name. It's Facebook, for crying out loud! My name is RIGHT there for it to be spelled correctly. This is a pet peeve of mine. Can you tell?

4. The name cannot be turned into a horrible nickname. Name your child Jack and I guarantee you he will be called "Jack off" one day. This really needs no further explanation.

 I don't plan on having children for a few years, but when I do, I'll have a pretty good idea as to what their name will be... which I've heard is a pretty difficult decision for some couples. I'm glad Kyle and agree on... most everything. :)

what is wrong with the world?

This past Monday (4/16/13) the infamous Boston Marathon was victim to a senseless terror attack. We all know what happened and how tragic it was. It makes people feel like they cannot even go enjoy one of their hobbies without wondering if some lunatic is going to act bat shit crazy. We've seen so much tragedy throughout our nation in less than a year. So many innocent lives lost. These kind of events always make us think so negatively about our world and everyone in it. "What is wrong with the world?" I've seen/heard this question a lot lately. So, what is wrong with the world?

Ummmmm..... nothing.

*Gasp* Yes, I said that nothing is wrong with this world. I'll let this quote take care of my explanation:

"No need to ask what is wrong with the world- Look at everyone who ran towards the explosions. Everything is RIGHT in the world because more people are willing to help than people who are willing to do harm." - Author Unknown

I understand there is evil all around the world. There has always been evil. There are times when we really feel that evil presence among us. Yes, it's scary and unsettling. I completely understand why people question what is wrong with the world. But, then I see people say , "I just want Jesus to come back and take us all so I don't have to raise my children in this world."

Well, sorry, Jesus- but I don't want you to come back any time soon. I want to wear my wedding dress and walk down the aisle to my (already) husband and say our vows in front of friends and family. I want to move into mine and Kyle's first home and begin our lives together. I want to enjoy our first few years of marriage- traveling to new places and exploring, sleeping in on the weekends and laying in the bed until noon. I want to give birth to our first child and take in the joy of our newborn baby. I want to begin my career as a teacher and try my hardest to help the future generations of America become successful. I want to give our first child a brother or sister and watch them grow up together being best friends. I want to take family vacations with our entire family and make memories that we will remember for 30 years. I want to watch my children become adults and find the loves of their lives. I want to retire and enjoy our well deserved time off. I want to spoil our grandchildren. I want to grow old with my husband.

I want to go to Heaven one day and take in all the glory of my Savior. But, I'm not ready to do that yet. I want a fulfilling life with Kyle. I want to experience everything my life has to offer. And yes, I want to raise my children in this world. There was a time when I didn't, but I realized that if I live in fear the rest of my life, I'm going to be very disappointed. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting what I want.

As long as the balance of people willing to help one another out is higher than the number of people who want to do harm, then we are alright. Nothing is wrong. Just because bad things happen in the world, doesn't mean this world is bad. 


 

the word I hate the most

Goodbye.

It really is one of the hardest words to say. This became even more true this past Sunday when I had to leave Kyle after being with him for the weekend. It was one of the most excruciating days of my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true. We were both pitiful.

On one hand, I think it would have been easier had I not gone to see him. I had just gotten to an "ok" point with him being gone and then I go visit him and basically fall in love all over again and I feel like I'm back to square one. I cried hysterically on the way to the airport and had to pull over and have a moment. Then I cried on the plane. Thank God the flight was at night - they dimmed the lights on the plane so no one could see me cry, thankfully. Then, someone asked me how I was doing today and I just started crying.

Then on the other hand, I think about how awesome our weekend was and how nice it was to just be us again. We did normal things that we would have done back here in Carrollton. We even went to H&R Block to take care of his taxes. I didn't care though. Sure, I didn't particularly want to be there, but I was there with him.

I don't want to be here- in Carrollton. I want to be back in Jacksonville, NC with Kyle. Getting an apartment in Jacksonville has seriously crossed my mind, but then it left pretty quickly once I realized how big of a hassle it would be and how pointless it would be since he will only be there for another 6 weeks. It would be nice to see him every weekend, though.

Couples who don't have to go through long periods of absence are lucky. Sure, you may argue more, you may want to pull each other's hair out, you may wish you had more "you time." But you see each other daily. I am envious of you. I would do anything to be with Kyle right now. To sleep with him at night, to wake up to him in the mornings, to eat dinner together and watch TV and just have conversations in person with him. I'm lucky if I'm able to talk to him every day. And, if he does call, he has to hide under a blanket and whisper so softly that I can barely hear him. He thinks he's a thug. ;)

It was an awesome weekend. I just wish it had never ended. I needed more time with him- more kisses and hugs, smiles and winks, hand holding and cuddling. I just need him here and it is a horrible reality that we will not see each other for another several weeks. My heart is in so much pain.

"The day we met, frozen I held my breath 
Right from the start 
I knew that I'd found the home for my heart
Beats fast. Colors and promises. 
How to be brave, 
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
Watching you stand alone 
All of my doubt, suddenly goes away some how 
One step closer 

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid 
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more" 

A Thousand Years Part 2 by Christina Perri