Moving Forward

Well, 3 weeks have almost passed since Kyle left. 17 days to be exact. I'm actually doing okay. I've had my bad "moments" as I call them. I haven't necessarily had a bad day yet. I just have spurts where everything hits me all at once. With Christmas behind me, and getting closer to having a month under my belt, I'm feeling pretty good. Not great-- but good.

Christmas was definitely weird without Kyle here. There were times I caught myself not really looking for Kyle, because I obviously knew he wasn't there, but it was like a serious longing for him there. There were little moments that I just wanted him to be a part of so badly. When I opened up certain gifts, like the personal calendar my sister in law made us- I wanted him to see that. As well as a couple of "home" gifts my mom got me for Christmas. You never understand the love you truly have for a person until they are gone. I sort of had my hopes up that Kyle's drill instructors would let his platoon call home yesterday... but he didn't. I'm sure if I had not had my phone attached to my hip all day long, he would have called and I would have missed the call. HA! It'd be my luck.

Being with my family, sharing memories and lots of laughter truly helped my somber mood. There were a lot of laughs Sunday with my aunt and cousins. Christmas Eve was great with Kyle's family. When I wrote a letter to Kyle last night I told him that it almost felt like he was there because we talked about him so much. I would say, "Yeah, Kyle would say....." and we'd just laugh, because we could hear his southern accent cracking jokes at everyone and teasing his family... just doing what he does best. :)

All in all my Christmas was good. Some have asked how it was and I've been replying, "A little weird and different." But, it truly was different. The past 2 Christmases I've had Kyle there with me in the morning to exchange gifts with my mom. We've gone to his family gatherings, as well as mine. We've enjoyed time together and celebrated the birth of our Lord together. All of those things we did together. And though it hasn't been every Christmas for the past, say, 5 years or whatever like some people have... the past 2 years have felt like an eternity with Kyle because it feels like I have loved him my entire life. I know that sounds strange, but it's true.

I hope you and your family had a marvelous Christmas and truly relished the time you spent together. There were times when I thought of the families of the victims of the CT shooting. Those precious children with gifts under the Christmas tree were not there to open them and see what Santa brought, or eat lots of cookies and desserts and have full bellies before they were tucked into bed. I thought about them and suddenly realized that my circumstances could be a lot worse than what they were/are. I'm lucky... and incredibly blessed to what I have. Those families will never be the same, and their Christmases will probably always have a darkness looming nearby.

Be thankful, people.

Half of My Heart

Well, Kyle is officially in Parris Island, SC. I know I've put that on Facebook already, and some of you are probably getting sick of me talking about him and the journey he has started. I would apologize for being annoying, but I won't. Talking about him being away helps me come to terms with reality and understand that he is really gone.

Sunday SUCKED. There is no other word for it. It just plain sucked. Kyle was so composed and relaxed while I was a big ball of mess on the inside. I kept it together for the most part. Mom said she was proud of the way I handled saying goodbye... I just thought, "Did YOU see me? Because I know I didn't handle that well. But, if you say so." It was probably one of the worst days of my life. Or the worst moment, anyway. At one point on the way home I told mom, "I know this is cynical to say, but I feel like Kyle is dead. I have his wallet, his phone, his belongings with me... but he isn't here. I feel like he is dead." I broke down again and mom reassured me that Kyle is alive... he is very much alive. I'm just not used to not hearing from him. When he worked for Aubrey-Silvey and was out of town I could still get in touch with him if I needed to. So, knowing that if I needed him, I could call was reassuring. Now, I won't hear him for 3 months. That may not seem like a long time to you... but it seems like forever to me. Luckily, there are letters... they do give them that much. 

This week will be the worst. Once I get the first letter I will be okay... I think. At least knowing he is okay will reassure me. Right now I just keep thinking, "What is he doing? Is he okay? Has he gotten yelled at? Has he had any sleep?" Pathetic, huh? I really should take a few deep breaths and realize that I will see him again in a few months... though it seems so far away. I do have things to keep myself busy. I have work, babysitting, Pinterest ideas and crafts, Christmas shopping, and quality family time. All the while, I'll be thinking of Kyle (that rhymed - my ADD is kicking in). 

I just miss my sweet man. I miss hearing his voice. CRAP. I'm crying now. Talking about missing him really gets my tear ducts moving. I'm okay until someone asks me if I'm okay... then I break down. Weird, huh? I know I've said it already, but prayers really are appreciated. Prayers for Kyle, mostly. Pray that his leadership skills will shine through and the drill instructors will see his full potential. Pray that he will not lose himself amongst all of the chaos - that he will stay the same silly, goof ball, comedian Kyle that we all know and love. Pray the Lord will put a shield over him through the next 3 months and keep him safe. Also, pray for me and our families. Both of our families love and miss him dearly. I know it's corny and cheesy, but part of my heart truly is in South Carolina for the next 13 weeks. I feel strange. My belly is in a weird state and my mind is at a constant state of wonder. If this doesn't show that I am madly in love with this man, I don't know what will. 

Change is gonna come

It's been a while since I took the time to write. With that said, A LOT in my life has changed. So much has changed that I'm really not sure where to even begin.

Let's just start with the most obvious excitement in my life: I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!! :) I couldn't be happier to be engaged to the most incredible man I've ever met. Kyle is the best friend and the best man the Lord could have placed in my life. He is good and kind, smart and real, most of all, he is true and honest. I cannot wait to be his wife. Shortly after we were engaged, someone asked me how I knew I was in love with Kyle... and I quickly answered, "When you can be your absolute truest self in front of them and when you can tell them everything... every. single. thing... that's when you know." I tell Kyle the good and the bad and he accepts that, praise God. My heart feels like exploding every time I think of spending my life with Kyle. As Meredith Grey (from Grey's Anatomy) would say, "He is my person."

Next on the list... I'm GRADUATING IN LESS THAN 2 MONTHS! Oh my. That's overwhelming to say. It's a long awaited day. I've worked as hard as I could to finally get to this point. So many tears have been shed due to the stress I've had the past couple of years. Kyle can testify to those tears. Bless his heart... he put up with so much crap. Student teaching has been rough... but the classes and the professors were even worse. I absolutely adored a couple of the professors I had. They couldn't have been sweeter and more understanding. However, for every one awesome professor, there are about ten bad ones, which sucked. Now that I'm an intern and I'm basically teaching all day every day, I realize how a big girl job can really weigh you down. I'm so incredibly excited to have my own classroom and to follow my own rules and to do things my way. Student teaching will really open your eyes to the things you don't want to do as a teacher.

The day after I graduate college will be the most excruciating day I will ever face. Kyle will leave for basic training in Paris Island, South Carolina. I will not hear his precious voice for 13 weeks. He is becoming a Marine. No situation has ever felt so bittersweet. Part of my heart is full of complete pride and honor as I look at Kyle in admiration. He is one of the most courageous men I've ever met. He is also the most protecting. So, for him to go into the Marines, I have the utmost confidence that he will succeed in any situation he faces. At the beginning of this journey, when Kyle first signed, it was heartbreaking for me. I probably wasn't the most supportive girlfriend in the world, but as we have become closer and Kyle has had more Marine functions to go to, I've become more accepting of the fact that my life is going to change. Partly for the good, and partly for the bad. I'm not excited about leaving my family. My mom, brother and I are very close. Not being 5 minutes away from her is going to be really tough at first. However, my mom made a good point a couple of months ago when we were talking. She said, "Rachel, this move might be good for you and Kyle. It will make you lean on one another when times get tough because all you will have is each other." She couldn't be more correct. I've always called on my mom whenever something bad happened. I'll occasionally talk to Kyle, but Kyle is a man and he doesn't always want to hear me rant and run on about my chaotic day. But, if and when we move states, he's going to have to learn to deal with my venting, and I'm going to have to adjust to his job and the fact that he may or may not always be sleeping beside me at night. There are a lot of changes that we're going to be faced with in the next year or so. It's crazy to think that I will be in another state this time next year. I'm slowly becoming excited about it though. Now that we're engaged, it's becoming real that we will spend our lives together and I will have his children and we'll grow old together. I can't wait to begin my life with him. I really can't.

That may not seem like a lot of changes to you. But, if you take a step back and think about all of that happening in your life, you'll probably think differently. Getting engaged, planning a wedding, graduating college, looking for a job while Kyle is in basic training for 3 months, getting married, and then moving to a new location away from my family, and starting my teaching career. It is a hell of a lot to take in all at once. I try not to think about all of it at the same time, because I know all it will do is make me paranoid and overwhelmed.

I'm learning to lean on Kyle when I become overwhelmed. Sometimes I still hold it all in and pretend it isn't going to really happen, that December 9th will never come, and that I won't have to really go 3 months without seeing or speaking to my sweet Kyle. But, the reality is that all of that is going to happen. I can't change the situation, but I can change how I handle and approach it. I'm definitely going to keep myself busy with something. Granted, I know the first week he is gone I'll probably just crawl in my closet with multiple boxes of tissue and the biggest tub of Blue Bell's Cookies-N-Cream I can find. But, after that I will have to learn to adjust to him being gone. I have to stay positive.

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

Mwen renmen ou, Haiti!

The little precious angel I got to help bring into the world our last night in Haiti! 

Haiti, ahhh.. what can I say? The Lord is one amazing God. He showed me so much hurt, so much peace, so much beauty and sadness all at the same time. He knows my heart better than I do, and he grabbed a hold of it as soon as we landed in Haiti on December 10, 2011. I have never in my life felt so thankful for all of the material things I have. I will try to tell a little about every day we were there, I may or may not get my days correct since we did a few of the same things each day, but I will try! So, here it goes... my experience with Haiti in a nut shell. :)

Saturday:
We were at the airport by 4:15 a.m. It was rough. We were all working on about 2 hours of sleep, so you can imagine the grumpy-ness we all felt. We flew into Miami and ate a late breakfast/early lunch, then shortly boarded the plane to Haiti. Were so stoked at this point. When we were flying over Haiti I suddenly saw all of these mountains and plateaus that I was not expecting. The man who was sitting next to me told me that, "Haiti has lots of mountains!" I was so excited. When we landed, we got off the plane and rode a bus to where we would pick up our baggage. When we finally got our bags, got to the vans, loaded up, and loaded into the vans, I knew it was going to be an experience. The roads there are just not what we have here in America. I'm not sure if they are damaged from the earthquake or not, but they're definitely rough. I actually got car sick a few times we were there because of all of the bumpy roads. After about a 2 hour car ride through Port-Au-Prince, and a few other towns/villages, we finally arrived at Haitian Christian Mission in Fonds-Parisian. We unpacked a few things, and checked out the mission, then most of us took naps, then dinner, then a small devotion. And the night was over.

Sunday:
We had 22 in our team, plus 2 from another college who came to join us for the week. So, we split into 2 groups of 12, plus a couple of translators to go with us to church. The group I went with went to a church in the mountains, which was extremely beautiful! The roads were windy, but they over looked an incredible view. It almost felt like our van would topple over at any moment. We arrived at church and there was a couple in the front holding their son, which we came to find out, was a dedication. It was so sweet to see. We sat down and listened to... we're not really sure! I couldn't tell if he was preaching or telling about our group, or, what exactly. So, we just sat and listened. They eventually called Scottie and Mandy, who were in our group to come up and sing. They did a great job and the people there really seemed to enjoy it, even though they didn't know what we were saying. Afterwards, Allen, who is the preacher at Bethany Christian Church, came up and gave his message. Betty, who founded the mission with the help of her husband, translated for him. He focused on the season of Christmas and how the gift of Jesus keeps giving each season, not just during Christmas. It was a short message, but it had a lot of depth. We sang a few of their songs, then wrapped up, and left. After, we (I) was starving, so I suggested we go to a store, so Betty decided to take us to the market in Port-Au-Prince. It was so neat to see their food and the food we eat too. After, we went back to the mission and hung out for a little while.  We ate lunch and pretty much just chilled for the rest of the day. Later that evening, some of us went to the roof and lead worship for an hour or so. It was great to just praise the Lord without all of the instruments (though we did have a guitar and cajon, which is basically a drum).

Monday:
We woke up, ate breakfast, and figured out what we were going to do that day. The guys started construction on a house for this woman named Emily, who had 7 kids. They did that most of the day, while we got VBS supplies together, as well as fold up clothes to donate to villages and to those in need. When we were finished with that, the girls loaded up in the van to head to the village just a few minutes away from the mission. We were welcomed with open arms by the children there. The view from the school was breathtaking. It was completely surrounded by mountains. We talked about the birth of Jesus and had them color a picture of the manger scene. We left and went back to the mission to have lunch. We waited on the boys for a little while, then got together to fill ziploc bags with rice to hand out to families at the villages we went to. The guys went to one of the villages that afternoon to hand out rice, while the girls stayed back to work on the playground inside the mission. When the guys got back, they told us about how they were basically mobbed during the rice giving because so many families weren't given any. It broke our hearts. After they got back, we ate dinner, then got ready to head to another village to lead our devotion. We sand a few songs, then some of us told what impacted us that day. We sang a couple more songs, then headed back for the mission to call it a night.

Tuesday:
We woke up and ate breakfast, and basically did the same things we did on Monday. On our way to do VBS we expected for the guys to meet us there, and to our surprise, they didn't. Little did we know, Satan was about to get in the middle of the Lord's work. Right when we showed up the kids were going insane. They were screaming at us and each other. During the story we shared, they would not stop talking, and the teachers there did nothing to help. During the craft/activity, they were basically hitting each other over a glue stick. One child hit one of our girls, Mandy across the face because she wouldn't give him a glue stick. They were not receptive to what we wanted to do there at all, and the fact the teachers did not help, was really discouraging. When we got in the van, the kids chased our van while giving us the middle finger. We asked one of our translators there if the kids knew what that meant, and they told us yes. It took a lot of energy out of us all, and made us feel pretty down. When the guys showed up, we shared our stories with them, and they were all shocked to hear what we had to say. Then, to our surprise, the pastor of that village came to visit us to talk about how upset he was to hear what we experienced. He told us that we would continue to go back to that village to do the Lord's work, because if we didn't, then Satan would have the victory, and Satan gets no victory here. I teared up when he said this because it really showed us how big their faith in God is, and quite frankly, it made me envious. Most of us Americans would have thrown in the towel and said, "Screw this! No way I'm going back to those devil kids!" But what did we do the next day? (see next day) That evening we had another devotion at the village and it, again, was amazing.

Wednesday:
Starting our day, we just prayed for a better outcome. We went to this village across one of the lakes there near Fonds-Parisian (right near the Haiti/Dominican Republic border) to distribute rice together. We had to ride in a row boat across the lake, which was frightening and amazing at the same time. The kids welcomed us with open arms and we had a blast. We sang a couple of songs, danced, handed out the rice, and left. When we got back, we packed up some more rice for the kids at VBS. We went back to the village to lead VBS again (with the boys) and right when we walked into the school the kids were as quiet as a mouse. I'm not sure what the pastor said to the teachers or to the children, but whatever he said, worked. The Lord had the victory that day, because we were able to have a great last day with the children, and teach about the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ with them. It was an awesome and full-filling day. Needless to say, we felt much better leaving. We had lunch, then some of us took a short nap, and woke up to go on a hike up a mountain that a staff member there wanted to show us. It was a BEAUTIFUL hike. It was a marvelous view that none of us were expecting to see. We think of Haiti as being this destructive, damaged, torn, sad country that doesn't have any hope left after this devastating earthquake shattered it's bones; however, it is in fact one of the most gorgeous sights I have ever seen. I did not want to leave.

Thursday:
We had all planned on going to see the tent villages (refugee tents of those still affected/homeless from the earthquake) and to see Samuel's family (one of the guys who lives at the mission and translates). After some miscommunication, that did not get to happen. However, the group that I went with got to see Sonson's family's tent (another translator who lives at the mission) and that was awesome! His mother was so gentle and kind to the few of us who went to see her. We sang a few songs for them, and headed out to the mountains of Port-Au-Prince (which seemed to be more fancy than downtown). When we got there, we ate lunch with the rest of our group we met up with, visited a couple of shops there, and headed back down the mountain. We got back to the mission and just chilled for the rest of the day. It had been an overwhelming day and we were all exhausted.

UNTIL! Kendall (who used to be an EMT) and Megan (who is a nursing major at UWG) announced that two women are in labor at the OB/GYN clinic right next to the mission. When they said that, for some reason, I said, "Oh hey, can I come?" And Kendall said she would ask. So, we went down to the clinic and right when we walked in I head a women scream in pain. I waited outside and Kendall shortly came back out and said I could come, but that I should go change into closed-toed shoes, pants, and an old shirt. So, I ran up to our room, went through Megan's dirty clothes to find another pair of her scrub pants, and threw on an old shirt and my TOMS. I ran down the stairs to the clinic and Kendall handed me some gloves, mask, and safety eye glasses. She said, "Don't lock your knees, just in case you pass out." Right away, I was thinking, "OH CRAP." I work at an OB/GYN office, so I hear horror stories of the delivery room all the time, and with my step dad being one of the doctors there, I felt some-what prepared to see what I was about to see (even though hearing stories about it, and actually seeing it are two totally different things). I walked in behind Megan into the delivery room (which was a little bit bigger than a normal exam room you would see at any doctor's office). I saw the woman having her contractions and my heart broke for her pain. See, in Haiti, they don't really have any pain medications. They have some type of medicine they can inject into an IV, but it apparently doesn't even touch the pain. So, during their labor, it's basically like taking advil, can you imagine? She kept saying this phrase over and over again that meant, "Why?" in English. A few times she even said, "Deliver me!" It broke our hearts so badly to see that hurt. When the baby finally came out we saw a beautiful, baby boy, a true gift from above. I almost felt like it was my child I was rejoicing so loudly. The nurses even looked at me and laughed. The nurse put a clamp on the umbillical cord and grabbed the scissors to cut, right before she did, I muttered, "Could I do it?" I never thought I would be able to do such an amazing act, but again, to my surprise, the doctor nodded her head, and pointed the scissors in my direction. I'm sure my eyes looked like I had seen a ghost. I took the scissors and angled them away from the mother and child and began to cut (which was really tough, by the way). When the cord had been cut apart I held the scissors and giggled like a little school girl from so much happiness. I'm really surprised I did not cry, but I guess I was full of so much joy, it was hard for me to. I was so excited I ran back up to the mission and walked into the dining room where mostly everyone was and shouted, "ITS A BOY!" Everyone clapped and yelled and I told them he was healthy and well, as was the mother. Then told them we had to get back to the clinic to delivery another baby. We went back down stairs and helped them prepare the next mother who was ready to deliver. She seemed to be in a lot more pain than the other woman was. During delivery they took the heartbeat of the child and could tell it was a very weak beat, which frightened us. When she finally pushed the baby out, which was another beautiful baby boy, he was not breathing. Megan and I tried to stay strong and help the doctors any way that we could, but we eventually both broke down in tears and sobbed the entire time. The doctor gave him CPR through an oxygen device that I had never seen before. Kendall had to pump his chest, and it felt like she said, "one, two, one, two, one, two" during the pumping of his chest, probably a thousand times and it never seemed to helped. Then, the power went out (which happens a lot down there), we all panicked. One of the nurses grabbed a suit-case like thing from under one of the tables and there were two switches there with two long cords connected to two strong led lights. She handed them to me and I held them over the baby as they continued to do CPR. Whatever they prepare you for when it comes to a baby not breathing, could not ever fully prepare you for the actual situation that we had before us. As I held the lights, Megan and I both continued to pour tears from our eyes as we sat and watched the newborn baby lay on the table, without breathing, getting his little chest pumped with oxygen. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can prepare you for something so horrific. I finally couldn't take anymore, so Megan and I went upstairs and asked those who were around to pray for the newborn baby who was fighting for his life. After our prayer, I went back down to the delivery room alone to see if they needed any more assistance, there had not been any progress, and it was about 11 p.m at this point, and I still had not packed to leave out the next morning. I told Kendall I was going to start packing up and I would be back. I went back and began to pack, then John, Kendall's boyfriend came running back up a little later and told us that they baby was responding to his reflexes and breathing on his own. Megan, Brennan, and I ran down the stairs to check on this strong little baby, and, again, to our surprise, there he was, on the table breathing on his own, making these goo-goo noises that a sweet, healthy, perfect baby would typically make. All I could do was smile. I left thinking, "Wow, God...Wow." I felt extremely thankful for my life at that point, and nothing nor anyone could take away that moment.

Friday:
We all packed up, ate our breakfast, and ended our time at Haitian Christian Mission with a short walk to the local orphanage there. When we walked in, the children were so happy. The girls greeted us with kisses on our cheeks and the boys with hand-shakes. Our hearts were filled with so much gladness, yet bitterness at the same time at the thought of leaving this incredible country in just a few short hours. We took a few pictures with the children, let them try on some of the pillow-case dresses a lady from Bethany Christian Church had made for them, said our goodbyes, and walked back to the mission to prepare our goodbyes to some of the loveliest people we had ever met. Tears rolled down our cheeks as we hugged and said I love you to those that, we truly do love. It was a bitter-sweet day. We loaded up and headed to the airport, landed in Miami, had a lay over, and landed in Atlanta around 9:45 that evening. Kyle and I hugged and embraced each other after our long absence apart from one another. During the car ride home I was very quiet and not responsive to most of what Kyle was saying. Finally, I told him, "If I seem out of it, it's just because I'm..." and I got choked up.. "just feeling bittersweet." I lost it. Completely lost it. Kyle listened to me sob the entire way home and when we got to my house and ran into my mom's room, woke her up, and just cried in her arms for 10 minutes straight. She knew why. She didn't have to ask. My heart was breaking at that exact moment for the beautiful people of Haiti. The Lord has done so much good there, and will continue that good, I believe until the last minute of this world.

So, to sum up my experience? Astounding. Incredible. Breathtaking. Joyfull. Completely Christ-filled. I really cannot sum it all up in just one word or phrase. All I know, is I am going back to that amazing country. I cannot come back to America, a country where most of us take nearly EVERYTHING for granted, and simply forget about Haiti. I cannot and will not forget. Haiti has grabbed my heart by the strings and, even if I tried to get, the Lord would not let me. He knows the transformation my heart has had the past few days and I don't believe he is finished with me and what I have left to do in Haiti. There is a song called, "Always" that says, "I will not fear the war/I will not fear the storm/my Help is on the way, my Help is on the way/(chorus) Oh my God, he will not delay/my refuge and strength always/I will not fear, His promise is true/My God will come through always, always." I believe my God offers his grace and mercy to everyone who are willing to become passionate followers of his son, Jesus Christ. The Lord has a love so profound, so strong and powerful that no human will ever be able to fully comprehend. I know that we have tough times, financial struggles, marriage problems, belief issues, physical boundaries that hold us back, and more. But, our Lord... man, what a powerful Saviour. He offers us help during those tough times that we inevitably have every day. I cannot sit back and not take full advantage of that help he offers. His promise IS true. And the Haitian people believe that. Even during such devastation and hurt, they still remain steadfast in the Lord and his riches. I hope we can all take away a little bit of faith the Haitian people have shown us, and realize that the Lord never fails us. His grace and mercy remain. Always.

Mysterious Love

Love is a very mysterious, weird thing, isn't it? It's one of those feelings that you cannot explain. Friends and family say you'll know you're in love when you have a butterfly feeling, when your heart drops to your stomach, when you can only think about that one person day and night, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Constantly. All of those characteristics of love are completely true; however, it is way more than that. I am not sure I knew what real love was until I met Kyle. Sure, that special four letter word came out of my mouth to a couple of guys, but did I honestly mean it? Looking back, I'm not sure. I know my definition of love now, is not at all what it was back when I was 16 till about 20. Everyone has a different idea of that very incredible feeling. Love shapes and molds us, breaks and bends us, and can throw us into a whirlwind of emotions that we may not always want to accept.

You may be wondering why I am talking about love. Well, I recently saw a guy I, "talked" to when I was about 18 to 19. I went to eat lunch with my girlfriends after one of our finals were over, and to my complete amazement, there he was (he worked at the restaurant we went to). A guy I really did care about for a long time, but it didn't work out, and we knew it never would. This guy, I will call Trey (obviously not his real name). I became nervous, excited, hesitant, and totally anxious. I was apprehensive to get up from our table to go talk to him, but I knew if the tables were turned and I worked there, he would go out of his way to speak to me. So, I got up the courage to go talk to Trey and it went fine. It was a short, "Hey, how are ya?" kind of talk. There was a hint of awkwardness, simply because it had been so long since either of us saw each other. I went back to the table with my friends and could not concentrate on any conversation they were having. I'm sure it looked like I had seen a ghost. We giggled and joked about the awkward, but rather cute situation I was in, and enjoyed the rest of our lunch. When we got up to leave, I looked over and Trey was sitting near our table with some of his co-workers, we met halfway and said the typical, "Good to see you, hope you have a good day." And we left. 

When we got in the car, I asked the girls if they thought I was being silly about what happened, and they all said no, that they would have acted the same way. But it made me think. I told them that the excited, nervous, anxious feeling I had wasn't because I wanted it back, but the memories it brought up, and what fun times they were. This whole thing made me really examine love and what it means. I never told Trey I loved him, nor did he tell me. But, in a strange way, I did love Trey but I wasn't in love with him. For those who think those are the same thing, you're wrong. They're not. I cared a lot for him and would've done a lot for him, but I could not see myself marrying him and living a beautiful life together. I know he will find someone one day that will love him passionately and unconditionally. We both want the other to be happy, which is what is important. There are no bitter feelings, no sadness, no regrets, or things we wish would have happened or things we would have changed. Our relationship was important to me and he will always be special to me. 

I love Kyle. I have never met anyone that can make me cry and laugh at the same time the way he does. I would never trade him in for anyone or anything. He is my rock when I am down and he has also been the one to put things into perspective for me, to make me see the reality in things. He is my reality check, if you will. Not many people find that in life, and I'm thankful that I have. I am also thankful that I have had people like Trey to come along, who have helped shape my definition of what love is, who have helped me realize what I want in a man, and what I don't want. Those guys, some I am not a huge fan of, have honestly made me a lot stronger. Even the biggest douche bags I dated. And you know, I wish nothing but the best for them all. Kyle has also helped me rid some of the bitterness and down right hatred I had for some guys, which allows me to be thankful of that relationship, no matter how destructive or toxic it may have been. I learned, and that to me, is what is most important in life. To learn, and examine every aspect of what we encounter on a daily basis. 

So, I don't have an answer for what love is. I think love is what you make it. Love can definitely be broken into a million pieces, and it can warm your heart for the rest of your life. I do know that, in order to love and be loved in return, all selfishness must exit your being in every way. Love is a very selfless act. It cannot be completely about you and your wants and needs, it has to be about the both of you (no matter what type of relationship it is). There has to be compromise (you cannot always have your way), trust (there really is no relationship without it), honesty (if you can tell a white lie, you can tell a big lie), forgiveness (let go what is holding your relationship back). Those are just a few characteristics of love I truly believe are vital to any relationship.  

I hope each of you finds love one day. If you have to go through a few speed bumps along the way, know that everyone has had them. You're not the only one. I like ending with a quote, so here it is: 

"I believe that two people are connected at the heart, and it doesn't matter what you do, or who you are, or where you live; there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together." 

Julia Roberts  

I have a few things on my mind, so this will probably be a pretty random and scrambled up blog.

1. Kyle and I just saw our 1 year anniversary together: How times flies. It's been a long year as far as my personal growth goes, though. So many things changed last year, and most of them were for the better; however, it took me a long time to accept those changes. Kyle made me notice a lot of flaws about myself. Insecurity, anger, and even jealousy, which I still deny sometimes. It's amazing how much you learn about yourself once you meet that one who opens your eyes a little. Kyle is a wonderful, wonderful man; I'm very blessed to have him and to be able to call him my best friend. People have said that they wished their relationship was like ours. Well, think again. We are far from the perfect couple. We fight,  We yell, we (I) cry, we have disagreements, and we have attitudes. But that is because we are also... human. We remind ourselves daily that the Lord did not make people perfect. We are going to make mistakes and say things we may not always mean, but that is where forgiveness and acceptance comes in and soothes the wounds we leave on each other's hearts.

2. (Another "Kyle" topic). He and I were sitting in bed one night this past week watching our new favorite show (on Netflix), Flashpoint (highly recommend that to anyone who likes police/crime shows). He paused the show and said, "Oh, by the way, PT is October 24." I wasn't sure what, "PT" stood for, so I asked and he said, "Well it's actually physical agility." My eyes naturally rolled. Georgia State Patrol is what he was referring to. Ever since Kyle and I started dating he had mentioned how he wanted to be in law enforcement, which I figured was a phase that he would get over and move on to something else. Wrong. He was laid off from Orkin Pest Control August 18 (2010). Exactly one week after we made things, "official". Not the best timing, but we immediately both thought that the Lord was probably looking out for him. He got him out of the environment he was in. Since then he's worked his tail off trying to get on with the Carrollton City, College Park, East Point, Atlanta, and Douglas County police department(s). With no luck, he has become quite discouraged. So, he switched his view to GSP. They have a physical agility test in October, and then, depending on how they perform, they go to trooper school. I have heard from several that the likelihood of a GSP officer being killed in the line of duty is very rare, but, it has happened. GSP handles traffic citations, DUI, wrecks, (some) drug arrests, other than that, I'm not sure. Luckily, they do not deal with anything off road (as far as I know). I was not thrilled with the thought of it all, but I'm slowly coming around to the idea. I was really frightened about it at first because, to be honest, I do not want to be faced with that devastating phone call that some police wives receive; however, I'm having to understand that we all have a diving appointment with the Lord, and he will not check with our schedule(s) to see if it is okay with us if he takes us from Earth. I'm learning to accept that, and have faith that the Lord will take care of my family, including Kyle.

3. School. Funny, I used to love going to school in high school. I looked forward to it most days. I was good at most subjects, never really struggled, and had a pretty good social life. But now? School is a total joke now. I only look forward to it so I can get it over with, not to actually learn. And I hate that. Especially since I'm going to school to be a teacher. Kind of seems retarded, huh? I guess West Georgia just wears me down. Every semester I'm finding myself wanting/needing more sleep and relaxation and dreading the alarm sounding off each morning. I'm determined this semester, though, to make a turn around in my time management and my performance. I'm not a slacker, but I am a procrastinator. Which, you may think those are the same. But, they're not. I procrastinate my work, but I get it done and most of the time I do a great job at it. But, this semester will be different. So, if Kyle does get on with GSP it will probably a be a good thing so I can concentrate more on school than on him.

4. Animals (particularly, dogs). Told you this would be random. Kyle's female lab, Maggie, passed away two weeks ago (the 8th). We're really not entirely sure of how she died, but we do know that she had barely had any water the day before she died. Kyle and I were furious, but what can you do? A dog is dead, and she isn't coming back. So, what will playing the blame game do besides tear each other apart? I won't really get into the details of that, as it gets a little... touchy. Needless to say, Kyle was devastated and angry at the same time. Maggie was a great dog. Sweet to humans, and tough on other dogs, which I think makes the best dog. She was just 3 (we think), so her life was stolen very quickly. Kyle is a lot better now. We have been spending more time with his male lab, Drake, which puts a huge smile on his face. But, we miss Mags. There is nothing like having a dog, cat, horse, or any animal pass away suddenly, or expectedly. It sucks. It leaves a huge hole in your stomach because you're just not sure what to do next. Maggie's death has really shown me that I would much rather live with dogs than most humans. Humans are SO selfish, rude, inconsiderate, hateful, ... need I continue? He and I are still angry about everything, but... like I said, what will being angry do? After she died, Drake stayed at my house for nearly a whole week, as did Kyle. And now, when Kyle stays with me during the weekend, Drake comes along. I guess he's just being more protective over Drake, which I don't blame him one bit. I told him he never had to take him home again, that he could just stay here, but, Kyle didn't think it was necessary.

This summer has been great. I've relaxed, I've read 4 books (GO ME!), I've taken naps, I've worked some, took a summer course, laid by the pool, and just enjoyed family and Kyle time. So, all in all, I think it was a successful 3 month break. I hope everyone is adjusting back to school well. See some of you soon!

heavy heart

I have so many things on my mind, I'm really not even sure where or how to begin. I have so many different emotions streaming through my veins I am not able to comprehend and that is probably what scares me the most. I feel anger, sadness, frustration, and most of all, confusion. I feel as though I walk around with a huge question mark over my head that will never, ever escape. 

I have been really torn with the relationship I have with my father for about the past month now. My grandfather (my dad's father) passed away back in April and since then, I have not heard from my dad one time. Not through email, phone, anything. My cousin was the one to break the news about my grandfather's death to me, and when I heard I immediately called my dad, and I received no answer, which I expected. Losing a loved one, especially a parent, is never easy. My mother lost her father back in 2005 and I saw how detrimental it was to her heart. My dad's relationship with his father was some-what like my mom's was with her father; however, my dad is his father's son through and through. He followed in his footsteps as a parent, which, to me is not the best of compliments. My dad's childhood was probably not the greatest, from what I have heard, but I feel like there comes a time when you break the mold and do things right. My father did not break that mold. He followed right behind his father. I do not mean to speak badly of the deceased, but anyone who knew the man (my grandfather) knew that he was not the easiest man to talk to, he was very selfish and judgmental, and on top of that, promiscuous. 

My father was and is all of those things, except judgmental. I do not recall that being one of his characteristics. I never really felt like I could talk to him about personal issues I was having. Our relationship was more of a friend relationship, not a father-daughter. And my brother would say the same. It was not up until January that I saw him actually get serious with my brother and I. He emailed me and Jeremy (my brother) about him coming up around the new year to meet up and talk. At that time, my brother and I had not spoken to our dad on the phone in quite a while. I remember emailing him a couple of times, but it was extremely short and to the point. When he emailed us about coming up from Florida, I cried. I burst into tears because that was the first time he had actually made an attempt to reach out to us and TRY to do things right. Long story short, we met up on January 1st (ironic that it's the, "new year", and a chance at a, "fresh start". Or so we thought. Things with our dad went really well, he apologized for a lot of things he had done in the past, and told us that life is too short to be angry at each other. After that visit, Kyle and I went to visit him around the beginning of February for a few days. We went to see him again about a month later during my spring break, when we stayed about a week. Both visits went really well, and I was sad to come home. After that, I talked to him a few times on the phone, but once my grandfather died, he basically became a turtle who had crawled back into his shell and had no intentions of coming out any time soon. 

I emailed him a few times, and called him, leaving messages. I never had a response to either. I finally texted my step mother and asked her to tell him to call me. She said she would. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't, but I never received. Then, the best celebration of all, Father's Day, rolled around. Joy. I spent the day with Kyle's family, since my mom and step dad were out of town, and when I came home I called my dad. The call went to a message saying, "The person you are trying to reach is not available at this time. Please try your call again later." That struck me very odd because my father's cell phone is also his work phone, and his voice mail was set up to where it said his name, and the company he worked for. I emailed him about two weeks later that basically just said please email me or call me. Well, lo and behold I receive an email about an hour later that said, "Your dad no longer has an email account with us. You can reach him at (number) and his email address is (email address)." This email came from a man who worked for the company my dad worked for. So, that told me two things. 1-My dad no longer works there, and 2-He didn't bother to tell me his number had changed. I was pretty pissed off at this point, as you can imagine. That day I went home and called my step mom to find out what the hell was going on. What do you know? Her phone has been disconnected. My emotions towards that really did not set in until about a week later for whatever reason. When they finally did set in, they were a whirlwind of anger, sadness, "what the hell"-ness. I mean, what do you do when your dad/mom does not even inform you that their number has changed?

So, I called my uncle (who lives in Florida) and asked him what was up. He told me that my father did in fact lose his job because the people he worked for were pretty much crooks who stole money from the company, so they went belly up. I did not go into why he had not told me about losing his job or his phone number changing. I really just called to get my hands dirty with some information. I have not taken any action on the matter since then, and I'm not sure I will any time soon. 

I know all of that is so much detail and information that it is probably just as hard for you as it is for me to process. Believe me, my head has been spinning since Monday (when I talked to my uncle). I really just do not get it. I never will. I will never understand how a parent can be so absent through their children's lives, then, all of a sudden try to reconnect after about 10 months of hardly any contact with either, and then BAM, just disappear again. I have so much confusion in my heart and mind I don't know what to do. When he contacted my brother and I back in December, I was just starting to finally accept that he is who he is and I cannot change that. And then this? I honestly just wish he had never even emailed us. Just left things the horrible way they were so that I could have fully moved on from it. Now... it's just a huge set back and I'm right where I was a year ago. Ever since I was 15 I have been keeping the hope alive for my father to really change his ways and realize that he is, indeed, a father. I feel like I am beating a dead horse, in a way. 

I believe there is a lesson that comes out of every heartache. This one has been extremely difficult to try to understand; however, through my disappointment from my father, I grab hold to the thought of being a great mother to my children one day, providing a life for them, supporting them in every way, loving them unconditionally, and never, ever leaving their side... that is what I hope to accomplish. My father has missed out on times he will never have again, and he has no one to blame for that but himself.