10 Things I love about Drake

Writing 2 posts in the same week? I must have a fever. Nope. I just realized I am a tad bit obsessed with something... or someone.

My dog. My son. My best friend. Drake. So, I've decided to dedicate a blog post to the ole' snowball of yellow fur. He said he's quite honored. 

10 Things I love about Drake: 

1. His teeth: His teeth perplex me. They're so shiny and they fit together perfectly. I'm currently (trying) to teach him how to smile. It's the most adorable thing, really. I have to lift up his flappy jowls to show him that in order to smile, he must show his teeth. Trying to teach a 6 year old dog a new trick is rather difficult. 

I refuse to give up.

2. His paw pads: I love his feet. Everything about them. One of his toenails is black - just one. On his front right paw. He chews on his paw pads, and I haven't quite figured out why. But, multiple times a day he will chew on them (he's doing it right now, and I'm so not kidding). I don't know if they itch, or if he is just bored and looking for something to do. 

Either way, it's adorable.

3. His fat rolls: Good golly, this dog has some rolls. I'm not talking about just a few here and there. No, they are everywhere - and I love it! They're on his ankles (cankles, HA!), his forehead, all over his belly, his neck, his elbows, seriously. Everywhere. I can't help but play with them. It's just so cute. 

Okay, now you're thinking I'm crazy. That's okay, I accept my psycho dog woman tendencies. 

4. His scent: This sort of goes back to his paw pads. Drake's smell is like no other smell on the planet. This is where Drake becomes distinguished as a canine, because, well, no human could ever smell like this pup does. His coat smells of a musky-been-rolling-around-in-the-woods smell. It's glorious, really. His breath doesn't have a horrible odor like some dogs do. His paw pads, my God. Have you ever eaten Fritos? That's exactly how the bottom of his feet smell and I'm mesmerized by them. 

I sniff them daily. 

5. His sounds: Whether it's his sneezes, pants, snorts, gurgles, burps, gags, or the disgusting noise he makes when he "grooms" himself. I kind of love it. I can't fully describe the glorious-ness of the sounds. They're music to my ears. 

I'm losing it, I know. 

6. His sleeping habits: Every night when Drake gets good and comfortable, he will doze off into doggy land and dream of chasing chickens on a 200 acre farm, other times, he's the one being chased. How do I know? Watch him when he begins to dream. Sometimes he huffs and puffs through his nose and quickly moves his feet back and forth, probably chasing the chickens - that's a good dream. Other times, he breathes through his mouth and whimpers a bit. This is when either Kyle or myself will gently shake him and call his name in order to wake him up from his nightmare. After we watch and giggle at our puppy's cute cries, of course. 

We're evil sometimes, too. If you heard his whimpers, you would want to listen for a few seconds, too.

7. His appetite: This dog will eat anything. Anything. Grapes, carrots, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers. I'm only listing the things that many dogs children won't eat. Drake is not a biased pup, that's for sure. Then of course, there are the lays potato chips, the bread, the brownies. You know, the good stuff. Also, he will let you put a piece of food on his nose and wait beg for you to tell him when he can eat it. It's adorable, really. 

He loves food. (Like his Mama)

8. His playfulness: Drake will play with anyone or anything. No matter how small or big the object may be. He also thinks everyone wants to play with him. He's not the most gentle dog to play with. He isn't mean. Drake has never bitten anyone except maybe a bug that was crawling on my bedroom floor that I told him to get. And he did, like the vicious warrior dog he is. Ask him if he is a "happy dog" or if he is "excited" and he will become an excited, happy dog in an instant. He will become "Hopping Harry" (as Kyle calls him when he begins to hop up and down). Then, he will run like a cheetah and scoot his precious little huge bottom across the floor. Once he's tired of running, he will grab something, anything that he can get his teeth into (pillow, blanket, shirt, sock, bone, chew toy, etc.) and play with it. I think he likes to show off. 

I'll have to capture this on video one day. 

9. His loyalty: Drake will love me and Kyle until the day he goes to heaven. Yes, I believe there is a canine/animal heaven for animals that have been the loyal, compassionate, faithful servants they are supposed to be. He follows me everywhere. When I leave the house and I don't shut my bedroom door behind me, he will trot down the stairs in hopes that I am taking him with me. If I don't let the snowball go on a ride, he will sit at the top of the stairs and wait until he hears the garage door open, then he will race down the stairs to meet me happily at the door. There is nothing like the love a dog has for his/her owner. Nothing can compare. When I fell in love with Kyle, I fell in love with Drake. He and I have become so incredibly close since Kyle left 3 months ago for basic training. I have missed Kyle tremendously, but this time truly has brought Drake and I together.

It's been wonderful, really.

10. I apologize for this post. 

I just love my dog son. Amen. 

on death & dying

Two weeks ago my family's lives changed forever.

Most people have had a death in their family before. Maybe not one they had a tough time coping with, but most adults have had someone in their lives die. When my Aunt Marilyn passed on February 2, I immediately felt as though I was in some wild, unexplainable dream. On February 3 I woke up and wanted to rewind the day again to make sure she really had died, that I wasn't just making it up in my head. Her death wasn't like any other I had ever experienced. Since I was 15 my family has lost 6 people (combined from my mom and dad's side). I say since I was 15 because before that I don't remember many deaths occurring in our families. Sure, many of them were unexpected, but my Aunt's came from timbuck-two or something. I cannot explain it. 

Unfortunately, the days carried on, and the dream became more of a reality. A horrible reality that I didn't and still don't want to be living. 

I don't want to say that death isn't fair. We will all die one day and go on to our next life beyond the realms of this Earth. But, when people die, how people die, and why people die doesn't always seem fair. But, it all goes back to the old (and cliche) saying of, "Life isn't fair." No kidding. That became more blatantly obvious to me on February 2 that it ever had before. 

My 90 year old grandmother had to bury her 65 year old daughter. My mom had to say goodbye to her only sibling. And, my cousin had to lay her only living parent to rest and go on living her life without ever hearing her mother's voice again. 

Does ANY of that seem fair? NO. (Note: I am beginning to become angry as I type these words) 

Some people are amazing at consoling people after they've lost someone close. Some people are not bad at it, but sometimes they don't always have the right words. And others, well, they suck balls at it. Plain and simple. For instance, who wants to hear: 

"I'm so sorry honey, but she's much better off than we are." (The last part of the comment completely takes away from the condolences the person first offered. Just shut up, seriously)

"This is what she wanted. She was ready to die." (Oh, yeah that makes us feel SO much better.)

"Well, how's everyone holding up? Did they decide what to do with her house?" (REALLY?!?)

"You'll see her again one day." (I know that... but we want her here NOW.) 

Those are just a few incredibly ridiculous statements people have made either to me or my mom in the past 2 weeks. I'm sure other's have said things to my cousins or brother. I should chat with them and compare comments. I'm sure that would give us a tickle... or make us want to take a ball bat to their faces. 

Then there are people who just don't console you at all. They don't offer any encouraging words of advice, no "I'm sorry", not even an acknowledgement that someone in your family died. OR, they ask about other family members, besides you. Because, well, obviously I was just her niece and I don't really matter, right? (You think I'm making this up. I wish I were.) But, it's true: 

When a grandparent dies: "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry." 

When a parent dies: "I cannot imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry."

When a sibling dies: "Oh my gosh, sugar, that's so tragic. I'm sorry!" 

But...

When an aunt/uncle dies: (crickets chirping) "Oh, I'm sorry." 

See what I mean? 

Props to my brother for those comparisons. I can't take credit for that. 

I'm just irritated. I like to try to make sense out of unexpected, unexplainable events such as these, but, a lot of times I just can't. There are no words, there are no explanations, there are no reasons for why things like this happen. They just happen. And it sucks.

So, this is what I do when I'm irritated about something. I write. Some exercise, some read, some play music. I write. And it helps, really. Plus, it was one of my Aunt Marilyn's passions, and if I can carry on her legacy through my writing, then that's what I'll do. 

Take this as a bit of advice, folks. When someone dies, all you have to do is say, "I'm so sorry. Your family is in my thoughts/prayers." That's it. No more. No less. 

Death sucks.

Fair Weather Friends

Ever heard the term, "Fair Weather Fans"? Fans that only root for a team when they're on a winning streak? What about the term, "Fair Weather Friends"? I just sort of made it up. I'm sure you can put two and two together to figure out what that term means.

I'm not one to ask for sympathy from people. I don't like others to feel sorry for me and I certainly don't want anyone doing anything for me out of pity or guilt. But, ever since Kyle left for basic training, I almost feel invisible to some people of my friends.

Now, I normally wouldn't waste my breath letting others know if I'm upset with them, or if they hurt my feelings. When I was 16-19? Yeah, I would've let them know. But, after I started dating Kyle I felt like my life grew a greater purpose. To love someone unconditionally. So, Kyle became my best friend. And I like love it that way. That's how it should be... best friends with the one you plan to spend the rest of your life with, to have children with, to grow old with. Kyle is the greatest friend I could ask for (besides my mom and brother). Many couples don't view their significant other as a best friend, so I feel pretty lucky that mine and Kyle's connection goes beyond that of romance, we love spending time together... like best friends do. And that is what makes me love him.

Sorry, I get distracted when I talk about Kyle. :) Back to the "fair weather friends" deal. Certain friends have checked in. Friends I graduated college with. And I appreciate them. But, others haven't asked me how I am, haven't asked how Kyle is doing, nothing. Some will "like" my Facebook or Instagram posts, even put a little comment here and there. But, just because they click a button on a computer or their phone that sends a notification to me to let me know they "liked" something, does not make them a friend. Picking up a phone and giving me a call or shooting me a text, or even messaging me on Facebook to chat makes them a friend.

I've dealt with friends coming and going my entire life. It's how girls are--they're catty, sensitive, and naturally born gossipers (whether we want to admit it or not). I think I assumed as I got older that friendships would come and stay. But, most of them don't.

Some of you are probably saying, "Well, a friendship works two ways. You have to put forth effort too." I do. I text them, ask how they're doing, what's new in their life. But, as far as them reciprocating the questions and asking me... really asking me how I'm doing. It rarely happens.

I've accepted it. I'm 22 going on 23 and Kyle will be 26 in 3 months. We're growing up and moving on. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. Who knows where we will be this time next year? Maybe these fair weather friends are helping me out by not acting concerned about me or Kyle. Whatever the case, friends... they come and they go.

4 down... 8 to go

I really can't begin to tell you how excited I am that I can say a month has passed since Kyle left! It is such a nice feeling. December actually went by fairly fast, with the holidays and such. I just hope January and February do the same. I haven't really had a meltdown since Christmas. I was lonely on New Years Eve, but it didn't get to me too much. I guess there is something about Christmas and family that makes you really want your significant other there--and when they're not, well, it just plain sucks. 

I want to explain something. Some people have asked me how I am doing and I almost always say, "I'm doing alright for the most part." That's the best answer I can give. I am doing alright, surprisingly. I do have moments that I long for Kyle's hug or hand in mine, to hear his laugh, to be driving down the road in my car and look over to see him in the passenger seat... that's what "for the most part" means. Every time I answer someone, they always seem to say, "Girl, I don't know how you do it." Or, "You're such a strong person." Or, "I know I couldn't do that." Or, "I'd be an emotional wreck."

It hit me a couple of nights ago. I caught myself asking, "Well, how come I can do this? Where does this so called 'strength' come from? Why am I not a wreck?" I think the Lord slapped me across my head because I immediately knew why I am able to be so 'strong'. 

I have a strong sense of security in my relationship with Kyle. I trust him with my entire life. I don't have to be with him every single day. Would I like to be? Well, sure... absolutely. But, I think the difference between our relationship and other people's relationships is that our love and faith in our love goes beyond the surface. It goes to another level that I cannot explain. I can't hear Kyle's voice, I can't see his sweet face, but I know that he loves me. Not because he tells me in his letters, because Lord knows we can tell someone we love them all day long and not show it one time. I think it's because we share a bond that neither of us have shared with anyone else before. I can feel Kyle's love every day. In everything I do. That may sound corny, but it's true. I know he thinks of me, I know he misses me, I know he wishes he was home. I just know. 

So, why can I be so strong? Because I don't need my fiance to constantly tell me how beautiful I am, to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, or to remind me every 10 minutes in a text message that he loves me. I don't need his physical touch to feel confident in our relationship. I know on March 7th when I jump into Kyle's arms for the first time in 3 months we will love each other even more than before he left. Our relationship will have tested the trial of trials and we will overcome it beautifully. 

Moving Forward

Well, 3 weeks have almost passed since Kyle left. 17 days to be exact. I'm actually doing okay. I've had my bad "moments" as I call them. I haven't necessarily had a bad day yet. I just have spurts where everything hits me all at once. With Christmas behind me, and getting closer to having a month under my belt, I'm feeling pretty good. Not great-- but good.

Christmas was definitely weird without Kyle here. There were times I caught myself not really looking for Kyle, because I obviously knew he wasn't there, but it was like a serious longing for him there. There were little moments that I just wanted him to be a part of so badly. When I opened up certain gifts, like the personal calendar my sister in law made us- I wanted him to see that. As well as a couple of "home" gifts my mom got me for Christmas. You never understand the love you truly have for a person until they are gone. I sort of had my hopes up that Kyle's drill instructors would let his platoon call home yesterday... but he didn't. I'm sure if I had not had my phone attached to my hip all day long, he would have called and I would have missed the call. HA! It'd be my luck.

Being with my family, sharing memories and lots of laughter truly helped my somber mood. There were a lot of laughs Sunday with my aunt and cousins. Christmas Eve was great with Kyle's family. When I wrote a letter to Kyle last night I told him that it almost felt like he was there because we talked about him so much. I would say, "Yeah, Kyle would say....." and we'd just laugh, because we could hear his southern accent cracking jokes at everyone and teasing his family... just doing what he does best. :)

All in all my Christmas was good. Some have asked how it was and I've been replying, "A little weird and different." But, it truly was different. The past 2 Christmases I've had Kyle there with me in the morning to exchange gifts with my mom. We've gone to his family gatherings, as well as mine. We've enjoyed time together and celebrated the birth of our Lord together. All of those things we did together. And though it hasn't been every Christmas for the past, say, 5 years or whatever like some people have... the past 2 years have felt like an eternity with Kyle because it feels like I have loved him my entire life. I know that sounds strange, but it's true.

I hope you and your family had a marvelous Christmas and truly relished the time you spent together. There were times when I thought of the families of the victims of the CT shooting. Those precious children with gifts under the Christmas tree were not there to open them and see what Santa brought, or eat lots of cookies and desserts and have full bellies before they were tucked into bed. I thought about them and suddenly realized that my circumstances could be a lot worse than what they were/are. I'm lucky... and incredibly blessed to what I have. Those families will never be the same, and their Christmases will probably always have a darkness looming nearby.

Be thankful, people.

Half of My Heart

Well, Kyle is officially in Parris Island, SC. I know I've put that on Facebook already, and some of you are probably getting sick of me talking about him and the journey he has started. I would apologize for being annoying, but I won't. Talking about him being away helps me come to terms with reality and understand that he is really gone.

Sunday SUCKED. There is no other word for it. It just plain sucked. Kyle was so composed and relaxed while I was a big ball of mess on the inside. I kept it together for the most part. Mom said she was proud of the way I handled saying goodbye... I just thought, "Did YOU see me? Because I know I didn't handle that well. But, if you say so." It was probably one of the worst days of my life. Or the worst moment, anyway. At one point on the way home I told mom, "I know this is cynical to say, but I feel like Kyle is dead. I have his wallet, his phone, his belongings with me... but he isn't here. I feel like he is dead." I broke down again and mom reassured me that Kyle is alive... he is very much alive. I'm just not used to not hearing from him. When he worked for Aubrey-Silvey and was out of town I could still get in touch with him if I needed to. So, knowing that if I needed him, I could call was reassuring. Now, I won't hear him for 3 months. That may not seem like a long time to you... but it seems like forever to me. Luckily, there are letters... they do give them that much. 

This week will be the worst. Once I get the first letter I will be okay... I think. At least knowing he is okay will reassure me. Right now I just keep thinking, "What is he doing? Is he okay? Has he gotten yelled at? Has he had any sleep?" Pathetic, huh? I really should take a few deep breaths and realize that I will see him again in a few months... though it seems so far away. I do have things to keep myself busy. I have work, babysitting, Pinterest ideas and crafts, Christmas shopping, and quality family time. All the while, I'll be thinking of Kyle (that rhymed - my ADD is kicking in). 

I just miss my sweet man. I miss hearing his voice. CRAP. I'm crying now. Talking about missing him really gets my tear ducts moving. I'm okay until someone asks me if I'm okay... then I break down. Weird, huh? I know I've said it already, but prayers really are appreciated. Prayers for Kyle, mostly. Pray that his leadership skills will shine through and the drill instructors will see his full potential. Pray that he will not lose himself amongst all of the chaos - that he will stay the same silly, goof ball, comedian Kyle that we all know and love. Pray the Lord will put a shield over him through the next 3 months and keep him safe. Also, pray for me and our families. Both of our families love and miss him dearly. I know it's corny and cheesy, but part of my heart truly is in South Carolina for the next 13 weeks. I feel strange. My belly is in a weird state and my mind is at a constant state of wonder. If this doesn't show that I am madly in love with this man, I don't know what will. 

Change is gonna come

It's been a while since I took the time to write. With that said, A LOT in my life has changed. So much has changed that I'm really not sure where to even begin.

Let's just start with the most obvious excitement in my life: I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!! :) I couldn't be happier to be engaged to the most incredible man I've ever met. Kyle is the best friend and the best man the Lord could have placed in my life. He is good and kind, smart and real, most of all, he is true and honest. I cannot wait to be his wife. Shortly after we were engaged, someone asked me how I knew I was in love with Kyle... and I quickly answered, "When you can be your absolute truest self in front of them and when you can tell them everything... every. single. thing... that's when you know." I tell Kyle the good and the bad and he accepts that, praise God. My heart feels like exploding every time I think of spending my life with Kyle. As Meredith Grey (from Grey's Anatomy) would say, "He is my person."

Next on the list... I'm GRADUATING IN LESS THAN 2 MONTHS! Oh my. That's overwhelming to say. It's a long awaited day. I've worked as hard as I could to finally get to this point. So many tears have been shed due to the stress I've had the past couple of years. Kyle can testify to those tears. Bless his heart... he put up with so much crap. Student teaching has been rough... but the classes and the professors were even worse. I absolutely adored a couple of the professors I had. They couldn't have been sweeter and more understanding. However, for every one awesome professor, there are about ten bad ones, which sucked. Now that I'm an intern and I'm basically teaching all day every day, I realize how a big girl job can really weigh you down. I'm so incredibly excited to have my own classroom and to follow my own rules and to do things my way. Student teaching will really open your eyes to the things you don't want to do as a teacher.

The day after I graduate college will be the most excruciating day I will ever face. Kyle will leave for basic training in Paris Island, South Carolina. I will not hear his precious voice for 13 weeks. He is becoming a Marine. No situation has ever felt so bittersweet. Part of my heart is full of complete pride and honor as I look at Kyle in admiration. He is one of the most courageous men I've ever met. He is also the most protecting. So, for him to go into the Marines, I have the utmost confidence that he will succeed in any situation he faces. At the beginning of this journey, when Kyle first signed, it was heartbreaking for me. I probably wasn't the most supportive girlfriend in the world, but as we have become closer and Kyle has had more Marine functions to go to, I've become more accepting of the fact that my life is going to change. Partly for the good, and partly for the bad. I'm not excited about leaving my family. My mom, brother and I are very close. Not being 5 minutes away from her is going to be really tough at first. However, my mom made a good point a couple of months ago when we were talking. She said, "Rachel, this move might be good for you and Kyle. It will make you lean on one another when times get tough because all you will have is each other." She couldn't be more correct. I've always called on my mom whenever something bad happened. I'll occasionally talk to Kyle, but Kyle is a man and he doesn't always want to hear me rant and run on about my chaotic day. But, if and when we move states, he's going to have to learn to deal with my venting, and I'm going to have to adjust to his job and the fact that he may or may not always be sleeping beside me at night. There are a lot of changes that we're going to be faced with in the next year or so. It's crazy to think that I will be in another state this time next year. I'm slowly becoming excited about it though. Now that we're engaged, it's becoming real that we will spend our lives together and I will have his children and we'll grow old together. I can't wait to begin my life with him. I really can't.

That may not seem like a lot of changes to you. But, if you take a step back and think about all of that happening in your life, you'll probably think differently. Getting engaged, planning a wedding, graduating college, looking for a job while Kyle is in basic training for 3 months, getting married, and then moving to a new location away from my family, and starting my teaching career. It is a hell of a lot to take in all at once. I try not to think about all of it at the same time, because I know all it will do is make me paranoid and overwhelmed.

I'm learning to lean on Kyle when I become overwhelmed. Sometimes I still hold it all in and pretend it isn't going to really happen, that December 9th will never come, and that I won't have to really go 3 months without seeing or speaking to my sweet Kyle. But, the reality is that all of that is going to happen. I can't change the situation, but I can change how I handle and approach it. I'm definitely going to keep myself busy with something. Granted, I know the first week he is gone I'll probably just crawl in my closet with multiple boxes of tissue and the biggest tub of Blue Bell's Cookies-N-Cream I can find. But, after that I will have to learn to adjust to him being gone. I have to stay positive.

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."