Time Flies

Kyle has been home almost a week now and the days, hours, minutes, and seconds have truly flown by right before our eyes. For those of you who want to know Kyle's plans for the next few months, here they are: He will leave Monday and report to Jacksonville, North Carolina for 12 weeks where he will be in SOI (School of Infantry). He will then go straight to Chesapeake, Virginia for 6 weeks to train for his MOS (his job). After, he will be stationed somewhere and at some point-we will get married and have our ceremony.

I couldn't have asked for a better week. Though our time has been spent rushing around, doing errands, and taking care of business before Kyle leaves, it's still been nice to have him around. In the car with me, holding hands, or just sitting beside him at a restaurant. I've really cherished every moment with him. Kyle told me in a letter before he came home that he was going to be a "Rachel hog" when he got home. So, no complaints here! After all, I AM his bride to be. :) I've certainly shared my Kyle time with others though. Every night we have gotten together with a friend, family members, etc. As long as I am with Kyle, I don't care who we see or where we go.

This time has been weird, though. This is the last time Kyle will actually "live" here- if that makes sense? He will be able to come home on the weekends, but he obviously won't do that every week. Maybe once or twice, if that. After Virginia, he will be based somewhere. He won't come home to Carrollton. Kind of strange to think about. But exciting at the same time, because we will start our lives together-on our own.

I'm very thankful for the time I've had with Kyle-though it has passed too quickly. Hoping this weekend will slow down a bit so we can spend some quality time together.

Reunited & It Feels SO good!

As most of you know, today was the first day I have seen Kyle in 3 months. I've posted a lot of pictures on Instagram and Facebook but, I thought I would add a little more detail to our day for those of you who are interested. I am writing this post from my phone, so pardon any grammatical errors you may see. :)

Let me first start off by saying how peaceful and Christ-filled our ride was yesterday. Mom drove the whole way there (about a 5 1/2 hour drive). On the 157 mile stretch to the Savannah area on I-95 I started playing some contemporary Christian music. My mom and I sang together and worshiped our Lord in the car. Wake up call: church isn't the only place you can worship. I know most people relate worshiping to church- but boy, we listened to some good gospel hymns and just let lose and praised our Savior. It was awesome. Made me feel at peace about our trip and smoothed over some anxiety I had. God is good.

Now, onto today (Thursday). Our alarms were set for 4:15 a.m. We were wide awake at 3:30. 3:30, people. Holy smokes. We got ready, got breakfast at 5 and then hit the road for the 10 minute drive to Parris Island. We drove over the bridge onto the marshy island and it was such a pretty ride. Even though it was dark, we could see the beauty of the island very clearly. We were on base and out of the car by 6 a.m. and found a good spot on the side of the road to claim so we could see Kyle clearly during the motivational run, which began roughy at 7 a.m. I've never been more excited to see someone or something in my entire life. Kyle's platoon was 2nd in "line". They were all wearing their sharp looking wind suites (can a wind suit even look "sharp"?). I already knew Kyle's place in formation, so I knew he would be towards the back. I was SO scared I wouldn't see him because, well, lets face it. Kyle's not the tallest guy in the world. Standing at about 5'7", the other new Marines definitely towered over him.

BUT! Never fear, I can pick his perfect face and head out from any crowd. He said I was the first one he saw. He acknowledged us by giving a little 2-finger wave as he jogged by. They ran around a couple of buildings and then ran back in front of us again! I saw him really good that time. And then I started my bellowing (not really, but it felt like it). It was a wonderful moment. I just collapsed in my mom's arms and cried a bit. Felt good to let that out.

We then retired to our vehicles to thaw out our frozen fingers, feet, lips, ears, legs, arms, and any other body part that needed de-frosting. We sat there for about 10 minutes and then went into the All Weather Training Facility to wait out the next gruesome 2 hours. Talk about counting every second. Seesh!

They began the "Liberty Briefing" around 9:30 a.m and they finally brought the new Marines in around 9:45 and they were released to us by 10. Mom told me that she had never seen someone move so fast when I went to find Kyle. It was the best hug I've ever had. When I finally got to him I couldn't really cry. I was so caught in the moment and a little shocked that I couldn't get tears out. I could only tear up. Which I was glad- though there is no shame in crying- I didn't want to cry in front of Kyle. At least not let loose. He was very excited to see us. You could tell by the look on his face. It was so awesome.

After we gave our xoxo's to Kyle and he introduced us to a couple of people, we headed to his barracks and saw where he slept, and did his bathroom business (gross, by the way!). After that we had some lunch and visited. He showed us around the base- where he trained for different things. That place is huge! It was great seeing all of the places he'd been challenged and to see the end result and how he overcame it all- something to be proud of, for sure!

After the 6 hours rushed by, Kyle said his goodbyes and the new Marines went to the Peatross Parade Deck and watched them practice for graduation (which is tomorrow at 9 a.m).

With all of that said- we're exhausted! We came home and basically collapsed on our beds- then stuffed our face with snacks until Dan went to pick up Applebee's to go for us. Then we stuffed our faces some more, I took my bath and now I'm here! So very thankful for a marvelous day with our brand new Marine!

Let me just say- there is something totally incredible about seeing a platoon walk in formation- not a fresh, new platoon, (we saw a few of those and bless their hearts, they were all over the place), I mean a "veteran" platoon. It's so crisp and slick- it's something to see, truly. It made sevaral of us emotional just to see Kyle in formation with everyone. Kyle even said at one point today that it shouldn't be called "boot camp" it should be called "drill camp". He said he HATED drill. They beat it into your head that you do it without thinking, kind of.

Proud doesn't even begin to cover it! All praise goes to Christ through all of this. He saw Kyle through to the finish line and now, Kyle has made something of himself and will always be a part of a brotherhood.

My cup runneth over, y'all!

Till' tomorrow--Semper Fi.

I may not be a parent yet, but...

I already know the kind of mother that I want to be to my children one day. I know this because I have had a marvelous example of how a mother should treat her children. Thanks, Mama.

Maybe when I get older and I actually become a mom my thoughts on parenthood will, in fact, change. But, as of this moment I know several things that I do want to do and several things I don't want to do when that joyful, precious gift from above comes into my life.

Do's:

- Talk to your children. You're probably thinking, "Well, duh." I don't mean just every day chit chat. I mean be real with your kids. Have such a strong relationship that you're able to talk to them about almost everything. Obviously when they're toddlers and even elementary/middle school the conversations may not be as in depth as those you may have when they get older. But, I think communication is key in any relationship. I can recall having numerous conversations with my mom and brother when I was growing up. We would sit in my mom's bedroom hours on end just talking about anything. Sometimes the talks were light hearted, other times they were deep and very heavy. Talking with your children will help you understand them and help them understand you.

- Forgive. Children say really hurtful things. My mom has told me things I said to her when I was in high school and she seriously should have washed my mouth out with soap. She told me (many years later) that she cried herself to sleep one night that I yelled at her in front of my friends. She didn't know what to do. But, after many apologies, she forgave me. The whole saying "forgive and forget" is totally bull. You may forget the exact words a person used to hurt you, but you will never forget how the words made you feel. I think the saying really means to forgive the person and not bring the incident up again. Forgiveness is key to moving on and strengthening a relationship.

- Let them make mistakes. A lot of parents want to keep their child from ever stumbling and making an "uh oh". I understand protecting your kid, that's a natural feeling to have. But, when kids get older, they tend to not listen to anything (and I mean anything) a parent will tell them. No matter how hard you try, sometimes they're just going to get it wrong. Afterwards, they will probably come crying to you and telling you how they should have listened. This is NOT when you say, "I told you so" or "You should have listened to me" or "I tried to tell you". Who really wants to hear that? Just comfort them, and let them know that yes, they did fall, but they can still get back up. Help them understand how to NOT make the same mistake twice. That's when they will really feel stupid. 

- Be a role model. I look at my mom and I think, "Wow... I hope I can be exactly like her one day." I definitely wouldn't have said that 5 years ago, but I was also 16 and a total moron. I admire her for so many reasons. In the past 3 years I've really noticed her good qualities. Maybe it is because I'm going to be a wife soon and I pay attention to how she treats my step dad, and how they handle "grown up" issues. Maybe it is just because I'm getting older and smarter. Either way, my mom is awesome. Why? Here are some reasons:

1. She is so giving and generous of her time and her talents. She should probably say no more often, but that's the kind of person she is. Always willing to help others and serve where it's needed.
2. She's an extremely hard worker. She was a kick ass single mom and took extremely good care of my brother and I.
3. She has dedicated her life to her family. She has really become "the anchor" of our family. She holds it together and then loses it behind closed doors.
4. She loves and I mean loves the Lord. She sings at church and sometimes a song will get her so emotional that she will get choked up when she's singing. I'm not sure if it's happy tears, sad tears, or a a mixture of both. But, I know she loves having a relationship with Jesus.
5. She gives incredible advice and always knows exactly what to say. My brother and I always turn to her for help. She knows how to handle any situation so eloquently.

Those are just a few reasons why I admire her so much and ultimately why I am the way I am.

Now, onto the Don'ts:

- Use harsh words. Cussing your kid out won't get you anywhere. In fact, all it will do is make them lose respect for you and throw your relationship even further down the drain. Sure, you're going to let a "damn" "hell" "shit" "bitch" slip every now and then, and that's okay. Your kids also need to understand that you are human and that you may not always choose the best words to express your feelings. BUT, dropping the F bomb every time you get angry at them will not sit well in their minds. When you talk like this to or in front of your child and you're surprised that your kids are cussing their friends out, or even you out, blame yourself for that one.

- Run away. It doesn't do any good. So many parents turn their heads from the problems they have with their children. They shut the door and ignore it. Wait for it to get better. You really think a 16 year old kid can solve a problem like that on their own? This is where you as a parent have to step up and help. This is where the talking comes in. Brushing a problem under the rug is the worst thing you can do. No, your kid may not want to talk about whatever situation is going on, but you will regret not addressing the issue. Always be there for your kid, even when it may make you feel uncomfortable or you don't know the words to say. Just listen.

- Be a loud person. I describe people who are abrasive, in your face, or haughty as "loud" people. You know when you walk by someone who takes your breath away because they have too much perfume/cologne on? You make a "something smells" face, squinch your eyes, and wrinkle your nose and you hurry up to get away from the stentch. That's how "loud" people make me feel. Don't be a loud parent. Don't smother your kids and make them feel claustrophobic. Especially when they get older. Also, don't be someone that your kids don't want to bring their friends (or better yet their girlfriend/boyfriend) around because they're afraid of what you'll say in front of them, or how you'll act. It's not a good quality to have. It makes people think, "God, I'd hate to have a parent like that."

- Be selfish. When you have kids, I feel like life should officially be focused on parenting and raising your kids to be respectable people. Of course, you need "you time" and date night, etc. But, as far as selfish tendencies- throw them out the window. It's not about you anymore. This really needs no further explanation.

So, there you have it. What I will and won't do when I become a Mama. Who influenced these do's and don'ts? Well obviously my mom influenced the do's. Who taught me what not to do?

I'll never tell. :)

10 Things I love about Drake

Writing 2 posts in the same week? I must have a fever. Nope. I just realized I am a tad bit obsessed with something... or someone.

My dog. My son. My best friend. Drake. So, I've decided to dedicate a blog post to the ole' snowball of yellow fur. He said he's quite honored. 

10 Things I love about Drake: 

1. His teeth: His teeth perplex me. They're so shiny and they fit together perfectly. I'm currently (trying) to teach him how to smile. It's the most adorable thing, really. I have to lift up his flappy jowls to show him that in order to smile, he must show his teeth. Trying to teach a 6 year old dog a new trick is rather difficult. 

I refuse to give up.

2. His paw pads: I love his feet. Everything about them. One of his toenails is black - just one. On his front right paw. He chews on his paw pads, and I haven't quite figured out why. But, multiple times a day he will chew on them (he's doing it right now, and I'm so not kidding). I don't know if they itch, or if he is just bored and looking for something to do. 

Either way, it's adorable.

3. His fat rolls: Good golly, this dog has some rolls. I'm not talking about just a few here and there. No, they are everywhere - and I love it! They're on his ankles (cankles, HA!), his forehead, all over his belly, his neck, his elbows, seriously. Everywhere. I can't help but play with them. It's just so cute. 

Okay, now you're thinking I'm crazy. That's okay, I accept my psycho dog woman tendencies. 

4. His scent: This sort of goes back to his paw pads. Drake's smell is like no other smell on the planet. This is where Drake becomes distinguished as a canine, because, well, no human could ever smell like this pup does. His coat smells of a musky-been-rolling-around-in-the-woods smell. It's glorious, really. His breath doesn't have a horrible odor like some dogs do. His paw pads, my God. Have you ever eaten Fritos? That's exactly how the bottom of his feet smell and I'm mesmerized by them. 

I sniff them daily. 

5. His sounds: Whether it's his sneezes, pants, snorts, gurgles, burps, gags, or the disgusting noise he makes when he "grooms" himself. I kind of love it. I can't fully describe the glorious-ness of the sounds. They're music to my ears. 

I'm losing it, I know. 

6. His sleeping habits: Every night when Drake gets good and comfortable, he will doze off into doggy land and dream of chasing chickens on a 200 acre farm, other times, he's the one being chased. How do I know? Watch him when he begins to dream. Sometimes he huffs and puffs through his nose and quickly moves his feet back and forth, probably chasing the chickens - that's a good dream. Other times, he breathes through his mouth and whimpers a bit. This is when either Kyle or myself will gently shake him and call his name in order to wake him up from his nightmare. After we watch and giggle at our puppy's cute cries, of course. 

We're evil sometimes, too. If you heard his whimpers, you would want to listen for a few seconds, too.

7. His appetite: This dog will eat anything. Anything. Grapes, carrots, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers. I'm only listing the things that many dogs children won't eat. Drake is not a biased pup, that's for sure. Then of course, there are the lays potato chips, the bread, the brownies. You know, the good stuff. Also, he will let you put a piece of food on his nose and wait beg for you to tell him when he can eat it. It's adorable, really. 

He loves food. (Like his Mama)

8. His playfulness: Drake will play with anyone or anything. No matter how small or big the object may be. He also thinks everyone wants to play with him. He's not the most gentle dog to play with. He isn't mean. Drake has never bitten anyone except maybe a bug that was crawling on my bedroom floor that I told him to get. And he did, like the vicious warrior dog he is. Ask him if he is a "happy dog" or if he is "excited" and he will become an excited, happy dog in an instant. He will become "Hopping Harry" (as Kyle calls him when he begins to hop up and down). Then, he will run like a cheetah and scoot his precious little huge bottom across the floor. Once he's tired of running, he will grab something, anything that he can get his teeth into (pillow, blanket, shirt, sock, bone, chew toy, etc.) and play with it. I think he likes to show off. 

I'll have to capture this on video one day. 

9. His loyalty: Drake will love me and Kyle until the day he goes to heaven. Yes, I believe there is a canine/animal heaven for animals that have been the loyal, compassionate, faithful servants they are supposed to be. He follows me everywhere. When I leave the house and I don't shut my bedroom door behind me, he will trot down the stairs in hopes that I am taking him with me. If I don't let the snowball go on a ride, he will sit at the top of the stairs and wait until he hears the garage door open, then he will race down the stairs to meet me happily at the door. There is nothing like the love a dog has for his/her owner. Nothing can compare. When I fell in love with Kyle, I fell in love with Drake. He and I have become so incredibly close since Kyle left 3 months ago for basic training. I have missed Kyle tremendously, but this time truly has brought Drake and I together.

It's been wonderful, really.

10. I apologize for this post. 

I just love my dog son. Amen. 

on death & dying

Two weeks ago my family's lives changed forever.

Most people have had a death in their family before. Maybe not one they had a tough time coping with, but most adults have had someone in their lives die. When my Aunt Marilyn passed on February 2, I immediately felt as though I was in some wild, unexplainable dream. On February 3 I woke up and wanted to rewind the day again to make sure she really had died, that I wasn't just making it up in my head. Her death wasn't like any other I had ever experienced. Since I was 15 my family has lost 6 people (combined from my mom and dad's side). I say since I was 15 because before that I don't remember many deaths occurring in our families. Sure, many of them were unexpected, but my Aunt's came from timbuck-two or something. I cannot explain it. 

Unfortunately, the days carried on, and the dream became more of a reality. A horrible reality that I didn't and still don't want to be living. 

I don't want to say that death isn't fair. We will all die one day and go on to our next life beyond the realms of this Earth. But, when people die, how people die, and why people die doesn't always seem fair. But, it all goes back to the old (and cliche) saying of, "Life isn't fair." No kidding. That became more blatantly obvious to me on February 2 that it ever had before. 

My 90 year old grandmother had to bury her 65 year old daughter. My mom had to say goodbye to her only sibling. And, my cousin had to lay her only living parent to rest and go on living her life without ever hearing her mother's voice again. 

Does ANY of that seem fair? NO. (Note: I am beginning to become angry as I type these words) 

Some people are amazing at consoling people after they've lost someone close. Some people are not bad at it, but sometimes they don't always have the right words. And others, well, they suck balls at it. Plain and simple. For instance, who wants to hear: 

"I'm so sorry honey, but she's much better off than we are." (The last part of the comment completely takes away from the condolences the person first offered. Just shut up, seriously)

"This is what she wanted. She was ready to die." (Oh, yeah that makes us feel SO much better.)

"Well, how's everyone holding up? Did they decide what to do with her house?" (REALLY?!?)

"You'll see her again one day." (I know that... but we want her here NOW.) 

Those are just a few incredibly ridiculous statements people have made either to me or my mom in the past 2 weeks. I'm sure other's have said things to my cousins or brother. I should chat with them and compare comments. I'm sure that would give us a tickle... or make us want to take a ball bat to their faces. 

Then there are people who just don't console you at all. They don't offer any encouraging words of advice, no "I'm sorry", not even an acknowledgement that someone in your family died. OR, they ask about other family members, besides you. Because, well, obviously I was just her niece and I don't really matter, right? (You think I'm making this up. I wish I were.) But, it's true: 

When a grandparent dies: "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry." 

When a parent dies: "I cannot imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry."

When a sibling dies: "Oh my gosh, sugar, that's so tragic. I'm sorry!" 

But...

When an aunt/uncle dies: (crickets chirping) "Oh, I'm sorry." 

See what I mean? 

Props to my brother for those comparisons. I can't take credit for that. 

I'm just irritated. I like to try to make sense out of unexpected, unexplainable events such as these, but, a lot of times I just can't. There are no words, there are no explanations, there are no reasons for why things like this happen. They just happen. And it sucks.

So, this is what I do when I'm irritated about something. I write. Some exercise, some read, some play music. I write. And it helps, really. Plus, it was one of my Aunt Marilyn's passions, and if I can carry on her legacy through my writing, then that's what I'll do. 

Take this as a bit of advice, folks. When someone dies, all you have to do is say, "I'm so sorry. Your family is in my thoughts/prayers." That's it. No more. No less. 

Death sucks.

Fair Weather Friends

Ever heard the term, "Fair Weather Fans"? Fans that only root for a team when they're on a winning streak? What about the term, "Fair Weather Friends"? I just sort of made it up. I'm sure you can put two and two together to figure out what that term means.

I'm not one to ask for sympathy from people. I don't like others to feel sorry for me and I certainly don't want anyone doing anything for me out of pity or guilt. But, ever since Kyle left for basic training, I almost feel invisible to some people of my friends.

Now, I normally wouldn't waste my breath letting others know if I'm upset with them, or if they hurt my feelings. When I was 16-19? Yeah, I would've let them know. But, after I started dating Kyle I felt like my life grew a greater purpose. To love someone unconditionally. So, Kyle became my best friend. And I like love it that way. That's how it should be... best friends with the one you plan to spend the rest of your life with, to have children with, to grow old with. Kyle is the greatest friend I could ask for (besides my mom and brother). Many couples don't view their significant other as a best friend, so I feel pretty lucky that mine and Kyle's connection goes beyond that of romance, we love spending time together... like best friends do. And that is what makes me love him.

Sorry, I get distracted when I talk about Kyle. :) Back to the "fair weather friends" deal. Certain friends have checked in. Friends I graduated college with. And I appreciate them. But, others haven't asked me how I am, haven't asked how Kyle is doing, nothing. Some will "like" my Facebook or Instagram posts, even put a little comment here and there. But, just because they click a button on a computer or their phone that sends a notification to me to let me know they "liked" something, does not make them a friend. Picking up a phone and giving me a call or shooting me a text, or even messaging me on Facebook to chat makes them a friend.

I've dealt with friends coming and going my entire life. It's how girls are--they're catty, sensitive, and naturally born gossipers (whether we want to admit it or not). I think I assumed as I got older that friendships would come and stay. But, most of them don't.

Some of you are probably saying, "Well, a friendship works two ways. You have to put forth effort too." I do. I text them, ask how they're doing, what's new in their life. But, as far as them reciprocating the questions and asking me... really asking me how I'm doing. It rarely happens.

I've accepted it. I'm 22 going on 23 and Kyle will be 26 in 3 months. We're growing up and moving on. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. Who knows where we will be this time next year? Maybe these fair weather friends are helping me out by not acting concerned about me or Kyle. Whatever the case, friends... they come and they go.

4 down... 8 to go

I really can't begin to tell you how excited I am that I can say a month has passed since Kyle left! It is such a nice feeling. December actually went by fairly fast, with the holidays and such. I just hope January and February do the same. I haven't really had a meltdown since Christmas. I was lonely on New Years Eve, but it didn't get to me too much. I guess there is something about Christmas and family that makes you really want your significant other there--and when they're not, well, it just plain sucks. 

I want to explain something. Some people have asked me how I am doing and I almost always say, "I'm doing alright for the most part." That's the best answer I can give. I am doing alright, surprisingly. I do have moments that I long for Kyle's hug or hand in mine, to hear his laugh, to be driving down the road in my car and look over to see him in the passenger seat... that's what "for the most part" means. Every time I answer someone, they always seem to say, "Girl, I don't know how you do it." Or, "You're such a strong person." Or, "I know I couldn't do that." Or, "I'd be an emotional wreck."

It hit me a couple of nights ago. I caught myself asking, "Well, how come I can do this? Where does this so called 'strength' come from? Why am I not a wreck?" I think the Lord slapped me across my head because I immediately knew why I am able to be so 'strong'. 

I have a strong sense of security in my relationship with Kyle. I trust him with my entire life. I don't have to be with him every single day. Would I like to be? Well, sure... absolutely. But, I think the difference between our relationship and other people's relationships is that our love and faith in our love goes beyond the surface. It goes to another level that I cannot explain. I can't hear Kyle's voice, I can't see his sweet face, but I know that he loves me. Not because he tells me in his letters, because Lord knows we can tell someone we love them all day long and not show it one time. I think it's because we share a bond that neither of us have shared with anyone else before. I can feel Kyle's love every day. In everything I do. That may sound corny, but it's true. I know he thinks of me, I know he misses me, I know he wishes he was home. I just know. 

So, why can I be so strong? Because I don't need my fiance to constantly tell me how beautiful I am, to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, or to remind me every 10 minutes in a text message that he loves me. I don't need his physical touch to feel confident in our relationship. I know on March 7th when I jump into Kyle's arms for the first time in 3 months we will love each other even more than before he left. Our relationship will have tested the trial of trials and we will overcome it beautifully.